Madcap Moses

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LH: You should go to the Fish Market if you want to eat fish. (Bite Me would like to give a cool-hand thanks to the powers that be at Taco Bell headquarters for never, ever attempting to incorporate fish into their menu. We're already perplexed as to what meat's in them burritos. We don't want to wonder which bottom-feeders they'd incorporate into a fish taco.)

Luis Grisko

Bartender, Durant's

Bite Me: You look like about the coolest bartender in this town. Yul Brynner must have been your childhood idol.

LG: (Changing the subject) I also do photography.

Bite Me: Party! What kind of photography?

LG: Still lifes, cityscapes, nudes, semi-nudes.

Bite Me: Do you find a lot of people wanting to be painted nude here in Phoenix?

LG: There are a lot of the wrong kind of nudes here, lemme tell you. People who should definitely keep their clothes on.

Bite Me: You Phoenicians got a Jumbo's Clown Room?

LG: (Giggling) I don't know what you're talking about.

Bite Me: Jumbo's is a strip club in L.A. Courtney Love used to get jiggy there. I figured if y'all had a juicy nudie bar here, you'd be able to get some models right quick.

LG: Oh, I don't know any strip clubs (sly smile). Are there strip clubs in Phoenix?

Bite Me: Uh, yeah. I've noticed that Phoenix has a lot of strip clubs and taco stands.

LG: Yeah, we've got a lot of chain restaurants.

Bite Me: Compared to L.A., I didn't notice a lot of fast-food places here.

LG: No, not fast-food, but corporate places. Like Applebee's, Houston's, Chili's, P.F. Chang's. That's what makes Durant's so wild with the same family owners for 52 years. Same location.

Bite Me: And the food fucking rocks here.

LG: Yeah, it does. (Poor Luis looks wee uncomfy with Bite Me's dirty mouth.)

Bite Me: Sorry, I have a swearing problem.

LG: That's all right. That's why you're doing this kind of work.

Bite Me: Damn straight! New Times lets me jack off all over the page. God love the motherfuckers.

LG: Huh. Look out!

Bite Me: You ever say "bite me" to people? I do.

LG: Well, being in a public relations position at a restaurant (he grimaces), no.

Bite Me: You sure you don't wanna just swat someone who asks you to remove the pimiento from their olives?

LG: No, I'm a people person.

Bite Me: What is the most annoying drink that people order?

LG: The kind demanded by very particular people. Say when somebody orders a Long Island Iced Tea with specific ingredients, and then when you give them exactly what they want, they say it doesn't taste like the Long Island Iced Tea they're used to. But I just smile and keep making them drinks until they're happy.

Bite Me: You rock! (Bite Me recently abandoned her allegiance to silver Sauza when she was unable to find the rotgut here. She moved up to Hornitos. It seems to take less of the good stuff to get her good and loopy, and the hangover's manageable. But since the company's paying, tonight it's Patron!)

Bite Me: Okay, gimme a double shot of Patron silver, cold but not chilled, overripe lime, just nine or 10 grains of salt and a Shirley Temple back with fresh cherries. Can't stand the candied ones.

LG: (Grinning) That makes more sense than the guy who used to come in here and drink shots of Jack Daniel's with a nonalcoholic beer chaser.

Bite Me: Can you hold something and shake it for our camera?

LG: That's getting pretty personal.

Chris Trautman

Attorney (not pictured)

Bite Me: This place is known for its juicy meat. Which kind do you eat here?

CT: I have a weakness for rib eye.

Bite Me: Fascinating. What kind of lawyer you be?

CT: I defend the noble Constitution of the United States.

Bite Me: Ah, you're a scumball defense attorney. (Ever notice it's ALWAYS defense attorneys who're bringing up that blasted document?!)

CT: Yes (he grins proudly), I do mostly criminal defense work.

Bite Me: So you're a saint, right?

CT: What the hell! Yeah. I help out these young Hispanic kids who are routinely oppressed by the police in this city.

Bite Me: I hail from L.A., so cops make me want to soil my thong. Should I be afraid of them here, too?

CT: That would be prudent.

Bite Me: Are the cops corrupt here?

CT: Well, it depends on which of them you run into. Let's just say they're pretty scary.

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Marnye Oppenheim
Contact: Marnye Oppenheim