Chow Bella

Seven Places We're Dining At Before The Rapture

Not to be gloomy or gauche, but it might be time to start thinking about your last meal.  As those obnoxious billboards scattered around town are warning, The Rapture is prophesized to be happening two days from now. 

Much like the characters in the Douglas Adams tome The Restaurant at the End of the Universe (speaking of science fiction), it's a chance to sip and sup while the world end's not with a bang, but the whimper of those left behind. 

So what will it be? A few of those Double Downs that you've been trying to avoid (why bother counting calories now)? Or perhaps a final feast at one of the Valley's best restaurants? 

Although the bible specifically cautions against gluttony, we're sure that Heavenly Father wouldn't mind you indulging in a gorgefest of lip-smacking delights. Here's where we'll be eating at The End.

The book of Proverb may state that mankind should "be not among drunkards or gluttonous eaters of meat," but the one place we'll be at when Jesus comes a-calling is this legendary institution that's built its reputation on sumptuous steaks and high-octane cocktails. After splurging on a pricey 48-ounce porterhouse, some Florida stone crab, and a few dirty martinis, five-to-one, you won't mind the hefty bill. Lest ye forget, you can't take it with you.

Better get in line now if you hope to partake in one of Chris Bianco's ballyhooed pizzas before Saturday dawns, as there's likely going to be a huge line of folks wanting one last bite of his gourmet round pies. Built upon paper-thin delicious crust and covered with such delights as roasted onions and fennel sausage, they're practically a slice of heaven.

There's nothing more wholesome than an old fashioned family recipe, which is exactly what's behind Larry White's mouth-watering combo of chicken fried up in a golden seasoned batter with buttery waffles covered in rich butter and maple syrup. The restaurateur learned the recipe from his beloved grandmother, the matron behind the equally delicious repast over at Mrs. White's Golden Rule Café.

Measuring around 10 inches tall and contains more saturated fat than the entire menu at McDonalds, this Aaron May-created monster of a burger consists of a half-pound slab of Angus beef topped with onions, bacon, and cheddar and bookended by grilled cheese sammies. You'll probably need multiple brews to wash this beast down, with the upshot being a nice beer buzz before saying farewell to thy mortal coil.

Man vs. Food host Adam Richman described this 22-inch Big Unit hot dog, which is housed within a ginormous baguette, as "beef behemoth." He ain't kidding, especially when it comes to the "Bases Loaded" variant that's named after the Travel Channel star and contains twice as many toppings, including fiery chili, jalapeños, sauerkraut, and plenty of bacon.

Damon Brasch has been offering salvation to Valley veg-heads for years with a menu filled with meatless masterpieces. Chief among his creations are the buffalo wings, which consist of huge chunks of imitation chicken (that could easily be mistaken for the real thing), which are slathered with tongue-teasing and piquant sauce. And for those wanting one last sinfully sweet treat, try the vegan-friendly Tsoynami and it's flavorful combination of soy-based soft serve and chocolate sauce, as well an nuts and coconut.

Wrapped in a melt-in-your-mouth tortilla and containing a warm concoction of spicy chorizo, cheddar cheese, potato, and refried beans, Carolina's popular Oaxaca Special is practically to die for and cheap enough ($3.75 each) to leave some change to give to any homeless folk you might encounter in the parking lot. You never know, God himself might be watching and any good deed couldn't hurt.

KEEP PHOENIX NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Phoenix New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Phoenix, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Benjamin Leatherman is a staff writer at Phoenix New Times. He covers local nightlife, music, culture, geekery, and fringe pursuits.

Latest Stories