She did not just say that! This season, Top Chef All-Stars ain't playin', yo, and it's only episode two. Shocks plus surprises equal quickly vanishing memories of the Top Chef D.C. snoozefest. Thank you, Bravo.
Let's get started.
Just when things are already awesome 'cause we're starting out in the kitchen instead of watching chefs wake up and brush their teeth, Padma shows up with Joe Jonas. Huh? What? Why? Some of the chefs know who he is and all of them are wondering (along with us, Padma, and Joe Jonas) what the hell he's doing on Top Chef, and Dale T. thinks he's a pastry chef, which is an insult to pastry chefs everywhere.
Quickfire Challenge: Padma and Joe Jo the Child Man tell the chefs they need to make a brown-bag-friendly midnight snack for kids at a sleepover party at the American Museum of Natural History that night. Joe Jo tells the chefs they have 30 seconds and then laughs at his stupid joke that not even one of his 8-year-old child fans would think was funny. Please throw knives at Joe Jo.
The dishes are all over the place, from kid-friendly to kid-sugar-freak-out. Dale T. wonders what Joe Jonas likes to eat (insert joke here), Mike's making a barf-a-licious polenta-chocolate-coconut snack, and Mike's making fun of his mother's cooking (classy.)
Spoiler alerts ahead, folks!
When Joe Jo says he doesn't like Tiffany D.'s snack she gives him a look that says, "You're going into this paper bag next, little man!" and everyone silently wishes this would happen. In the end, Padma and Joe liked Spike's potato and carrot chips with marshmallow-mascarpone dip and Tiffani F.'s Rice Krispies treat snowball dessert. Because no one on the planet can get enough of cooking for children, they call it a tie and decide to let the kids decide at the museum that night. Time to pick teams!
Tiffani chooses all the women and Dale L. while Spike picks the guys and Carla. To the surprise of no one, not even the dinosaur bones, the kids pick Tiffani's sugar snack over Spike's chips and everyone feels sorry for the adults who now have to supervise over 600 children on a sugar bender running wild in a museum. Tiffani gets immunity.
Whoa, what's this? It's Tom Colicchio telling the chefs the Elimination Challenge does not involve more Joe Jo (yay!) but does involve sleeping in the museum and then making breakfast for the kids and their parents (ugh.) The catch? They can only cook with what they find in the museum kitchen and their menu needs to be either T-Rex (meat and dairy) or Brontosaurus (fruit, veggies, and grains.) As the Quickfire winner, Tiffiani chooses the T-Rex meat option.
The chefs go yo the Hall of North American Mammals where they get to sleep in cots with taxidermy a go-go. Steven starts bitching that it isn't like his place in Manhattan (less stuffed Bison) and Tre says he can't sleep in the nude like he usually does. Message to Tre: please, please try.
In the morning, the chef's go to the kitchen and Tiffani and the T-Rex team are startled to find out that they can only use meat and dairy, something that was told to them from the get-go, but that we will have to hear complaining about until rivers of blood flow from our ears. Speaking of blood, Jamie cuts her finger two seconds into the challenge and goes to the hospital to get two measly stitches and a shot of you're-a-huge-baby, leaving her partner Jen to make their pork belly and egg dish all by her lonesome.
Tired and cranky children and their tired and cranky parents line up for food along with judges Tom, Gail, Padma, and a robot called Katie Lee, who was the host of season one and has the personality of gravity. The other judges are uncomfortable around Robot Katie and are wondering if Anthony Bourdain is snickering while he controls her from behind a tree. No such luck and no Anthony (sigh.)
The Brontosaurus team wins with the judges liking the banana parfait with fresh fruit the best, which means Angelo, Marcel and Richard are the winners. Angelo is now two-for-two and can't wait to tell his Russian bride and the doctor who gave him the shot in the ass in season seven. Send out the T-Rex losers!
The T-Rex team comes out and it's clear that Jen is crazy pissed off. Everyone's thinking it's because Anthony Bourdain has been replaced by a robot for this episode. Nope. She can't stand still and gets all combat-like with the judges while the rest of the chefs close their eyes and wish they were back at the museum with the little sugar freaks.
Dale L. and Tiffani's steak and eggs were solid, Tiffany and Antonia's frittati weren't cooked evenly and Kelly the Robot makes a comment about finding them on a cruise ship which no one laughs at because that's been said by someone way more cool and robots aren't funny unless their heads are twirling around on their necks and sparks are flying out of their ears. Tre and Casey's salmon was okay, but the sauce was too aggressive. Jen and Two-Stitch Jamie's pork belly and flavorless egg dish was tasteless and without texture.
Even though Tom says he doesn't mind Jen defending her dish, she's eliminated for pathetic pork belly. When Padma tells her to pack her knives, Jen's crazy train starts to pull out of the station. She laughs maniacally and then leaves the Stew Room yelling a string of swears while Two-Stitch Jamie runs off to buy a lottery ticket. Seriously, who stays safe for not doing a damn thing?
Next Week: Tiffani's frozen melons and Anthony Bourdain makes a reference to pot so we all can be reminded of how hip and cool he is.
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