Top Chef Just Desserts Episode 9 Recap: Bashing, Bitching, and Backstabbing

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Last night's episode of Top Chef Just Desserts determined who was going on to the final challenge. And while it sucks to be the first to go home, it sucks even harder to be eliminated just before the finale. True dat.

We start the episode watching Yigit shaving, which is amazing given that he is only 12 years old.

Quickfire Challenge:
Gail walks in with super-scary pastry chef Francois Payard, who scowls a lot and looks like a Sopranos walk-on. The challenge for the pastry-testants is to tell their life story through a box of four chocolates. Ugh, like we need that drama. Zac says Danielle looks like Marilyn Manson, which is kind of true except that Marilyn Manson has healthier-looking hair.

We find out that Morgan's first marriage failed (surprise. You're gay, dude), Yigit's partner looks like his twin (creepy), and Zac doesn't understand what the word milestone means, since he's making his chocolates after people in his support group (translation: people who won't tell him the truth about his hair).

Morgan can't find the piping bags, and when he finds out Zac has them, he threatens to take all Zac's shit, throw it in the trash, and watch him cry himself to sleep. Note to Morgan: Please tell Zac you love him already.

Spoiler alerts ahead, yo.

Francois Payard does more scowling before announcing that Morgan is the winner. Will this make Morgan less angry? Answer: hells no.

Danielle makes more faces and says she's stealthy, which is like hearing Yogi Bear say pic-a-nic basket -- it makes you laugh 'cause it's so stupid.

Elimination Challenge:
The pastry-testants need to make an anniversary cake for Sylvia Weinstock after listening politely to her husband drone on for 18 hours about how hot she used to look in a yellow bikini and how they once got busy under a piano bench. Old people talking about sex equals blech.

Johnny makes his contractual appearance. Then, more piping-bag drama between Morgan and Danielle.

Danielle: Shut up!

Morgan: You shut up! (Nice comeback -- way to not sound like a 6-year-old.)

Zac's cake looks like Smurf-topolis bombed by disco wizards. Danielle's cake is gray because gray is the color of depression -- get your slices of sadness here! Morgan's cake is too boring and Yigit's cake is too complicated. Happy anniversary, Sylvia Weinstock. Your gift from Top Chef Just Desserts: hot cake messes. Enjoy.

At the judges' table, Zac is desperate and throws Morgan under the bus by saying he doesn't get excited enough when he wins challenges. (Note to Zac: this is a terrible argument for wanting to stay and does not help rebuild Smurf-topolis.) Morgan says it's not in his character to jump around like a little girl. Zac tells Morgan "it's personality, not personal." Ugh. Low self-esteem, pretentious bus-tosser, meet angry, latent homosexual. Now please, please, please shut up!

Danielle wins and jumps around like a little girl -- a stealthy little girl.

Zac goes packing, lame-ass style, by pointing fingers at another chef even though he admitted the challenge was over his head. C'mon, Team Diva, even disco dust won't help to make that exit less pathetic.

Next Week: Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Who's going to win?!?

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