Welcome to the world of singlehood!
Whether you're an old pro at goin' it alone or if you're new to the single life, I've got a couple tips for you in regards to your kitchen.
Now, because I'm a chick, this list may seem geared towards the ladies. In other words, staying slim (more like, bordering on anorexia) is a huge factor here.
But I encourage men to read it, too. Following my advice may help you drop that extra weight you gained in your previous relationship. You know how you thought she'd love you no matter what you looked like? Well, she didn't and neither will the women at the bar.
Now, I'm also going to assume that you're the kind of single person who wants to eventually land a partner. This means you're out all the time and you don't necessarily prepare meals at home.
Although if you happen to be one of those single people who loves to cook at home FOR YOURSELF and you're addicted to your TiVo and you claim that sprawling out on your queen-sized bed is the best feeling in the world, this list won't help you. In fact, not much will. Keep that crap up and you will be single forever.
Ok, so caveats aside, these are a few foods that have a long shelf life, keep you thin and are useful in emergency hunger situations.
5. Cereal Now, you wouldn't be a bachelor if you didn't have cereal in the house. Just like when you were in grade school, cereal is now your best friend. It doesn't make much of a mess, it doesn't require any cooking and it's filling. What more could you want? Of course, spoiling milk can be an issue. Which is why it's coming in at a measly number five.
4. Frozen fruits and veggies You must get some greens as a single person. In fact, most of what you eat should fall into this category. This is not a health suggestion, this is purely for vanity. Carbs, dairy and meat make you fat and therefore, less attractive (according to societal norms). So reprogram yourself now and make this the food group you run to when you want to indulge and over-eat. Which will happen often because no, they don't want to get back together with you and no, they won't be calling you after that first date and yes, they will tell all their friends you were bad in bed. Buckets and buckets of ice cream are not the answer. Save that for when you're in a relationship and you can "let yourself go".
3. One frozen pizza Yes, just one. I don't care what brand or what kind of topping just make sure you only purchase one. Now, this pizza is for emergency use only. Do you hear me? Emergencies! Of course, by "emergency", I mean this should only be eaten when you and a pal have stumbled out of the cab and into your apartment after a loooong night of drinking and you are absolutely starving because you, naturally, skipped dinner to look hot in that slutty dress. So this is the only time you are allowed to eat pizza. Nothing cures a booze-y belly better than a greasy pie of carbs, grease and cheese. And, under these circumstances, you might get lucky and barf the thing up before the calories set in.
2. oatmeal This is a must-have-on-hand-at-all-times food item. First of all, it lasts forever. There's nothing more depressing than finding a refrigerator filled with unused, rotting foods. I mean, rotten foods are a nagging reminder that there's only little, lonely, sad you to eat it. So rude! Oatmeal doesn't do this to you. Instead, it stays fresh as a daisy everyday, tricking you into thinking that it hasn't actually been over 100 days since someone else has been in your bed. Plus, it's healthy, it's filling and if you skip adding butter and sugar, it will keep the fat off.
1. Luna Bars
Now, I know they say these bars are for chicks but, fellas, you should have these stashed in your apartment. Although, you better stash them well because your duder friends will ridicule you and your lady friends will think you're weak. Other than that, Luna Bars may be the most perfect food in the world. First of all, they taste pretty dang good (Nutz Over Chocolate is my fave) - better than any other health bar on the market, in my opinion. Second, eating one is like taking a multi-vitamin. Mowing down on this little treat on the way to a club is a great way to prepare for a night of drunken shenanigans. And, if you are a woman and you're playing the single life correctly, you're probably a little malnourished. I mean, anorexics swear by these things so you know they're good for you.
Alright, tiger, now get out there, show off your rib cage and land yourself the love of your life.
Like this list? Well, even if you hate it, you might like one of these lists better.