Waiter Confidential: Tableside Narcissism

For the movie version of my professional life, I'm tossing around ideas on whom I'd like to see in the starring role. Given the magnetic machismo he and I share, De Niro might seem an obvious choice. Still, juxtaposing my polished, fine dining persona with Robert's renowned, raw pugnacity could create a Raging Bull-in-a-china-shop conflict with character development.

Sorry, Bob, I'll have to pass. And, yeah, I'm talkin' to you.

Moving on, Paul Giamatti's another name that comes to mind. I loved his angst-ridden work in American Splendor, Sideways, and even as the human pet-peddling Orangutan in The Planet of the Apes remake. When it comes to communicating that is-this-all-there-is? ennui we waitstaff sometimes feel standing tableside, Giamatti could certainly do the role justice. Tell you what, Paul: Let's have a sit-down and discuss it. Just know I'll be asking for a body double for the nude scene, no offense. My people will be in touch with your people.

Of course, I could just as easily go "CG" here. I see my computer-generated pseudo-self as an animated Yoda-type, dishing out dislexically-worded, waiter wisdoms like "A fine line between pester and neglect there is," in a Ratatouille-esque, cartoon restaurant, where a kitchen roach serves as my Jimminy Cricket-like mentor, and the customers resemble an Alice in Wonderland ensemble of characters.

(Note to self: No more day-drinking when writing on deadline).

When it comes down to it, though, what I'd most like to see happen is my own reality show. I'd call it "Turning Tables," and have the cameras follow me as I make my appointed rounds among the dining public. I'd flip the script on the age-old restaurant reviewer routine, casting a critical eye on the clientele I encounter in each episode. Viewers will tune in to the episodic character assassinations conducted amidst the cultural cross-section by yours truly. Before long, I could become the tongue-in-cheeky, tuxedo-shirted answer to Tony Bourdain.

I'd better get to work. I've got pitches to prepare for FoodNetwork, Bravo and the networks.

But first, another beer run.

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