Wing Ding

Bite Me knows her history, dammit. Cinco de Mayo ain't truly a big Mexican holiday. But anything for an excuse to go out on a Monday night, ya know?

Bite Me had her sights set on Dos Gringos and was en route when she received a call from trusty photog Em. Seems Em had planted her buns at a place called Flicka's and felt it was plenty worthy of a visit from yours truly. Bite Me's about as pliable as string cheese, therefore found herself at the Baja-style cantina.

Teeming with paaarty girls-n-boys aplenty, Flicka's was all that and a bunch of pop-tarts. Everyone in the place looked to be of the age Bite Me coulda baby-sat in her day. And yes indeed, a multitude of parents have trusted Bite Me with their children. Seems she can relate to them fantastically and is well-trained in CPR and first aid. Anyway, back to the present: At Flicka's there's this outdoor patio just jam-packed with ragin' kids and they're ordering up Coronas like tomorrow ain't comin'. There's also a whole lotta them chicks who think they're so hard-core ordering a shot glass of tequila coated with salt and accompanied by a juicy lime. A lame dude is buying them for the scantily clad betties and they're all poised and ready to knock 'em back. Aforementioned lame fella says "girls and shots, girls and shots" and the betties get busy, throwing the booze back. They're so arrrrrrrrr, like they've just been hit with a hammer. Bite Me yearns for the day when a shot the size of a thimble could curl her toes. Alas, Bite Me snagged a weary waitress and ordered a stiff Cadillac margarita. Sucking it down, she took a deep breath and set about engagin' these freaks. Nutshell? The place was like a spring break gone awry, oozing with young girls and dudes all styled according to the latest fashion magazines and just reeking of rookie drinker. Every chick had a tequila shot and a lime. Every guy had a condom and a dream. Chicken wings disappeared by the pound. It was just the kind of place you could go, disappear and forget that you graduated from college a waaay long time ago. Bite Me dug it plenty.

Dusty Hartill

Works for a pest control company

Dusty: Tomorrow's my birthday.

Bite Me: No shit! Lucky you! So how long you been drinking today?

Dusty: Two hours.

Bite Me: How's that workin' out for ya?

Dusty: (taking a swig of beer) Great!

Bite Me: Listen, buster, don't you go trying to drive tonight. I saw five cops on the way here and there are two perched across the street just waaaaiting for you to peel out of here sideways.

Dusty: I've got a designated driver.

Bite Me: Where do you get those? I can never find those guys.

Dusty: I actually switch off and on.

Bite Me: I guess that's it, I'd never want to be the switch-on chick. So, hey, Cinco de Mayo is the day before your birthday. Do you feel like you get a free pre-party? Like we're all out celebrating just the thought of your birth?

Dusty: Kinda. I started at noon today and then it just translated over to a bar and now we're at Flicka's. WE'RE AT FLICKA'S!!! (Dusty did indeed belt this out somewhat loudly. God love the little fella.)

Bite Me: Yeah, buddy. WE'RE AT FLICKA'S. (Bite Me matched him decibel for decibel.)

Dusty: I thank my mom for holding out for one day and having me at 12:06 on the Sixth.

Bite Me: Righteous. So what's your drink of choice?

Dusty: I usually go with Corona, but I also like rum and Coke.

Bite Me: How old were you when you first got drunk?

Dusty: I was 14.

Bite Me: Sweet God.

Dusty: I got drunk in the weirdest way, though -- we started drinking cough syrup and I thought, ya know, I'm a little sick and there's the liquor cabinet. So I took two bottles of liquor and went over to a friend's house where we drank it all.

Bite Me: So far this ain't real weird. But hey, don't you steal a lot when you're a kid? (Bite Me got busted for stealing booze once when she opted to lift a quart of Kahlúa from her parents' liquor cabinet. She stashed it in her locker at school to take over to her friend's that night. Trouble was, her locker-mate didn't know it was there and while attempting to find a book dropped the bag with the Kahlúa in it on the floor. Crash. Smash. And stink like you've never smelled. Bite Me did her best to gather the remnants and rushed to algebra. Everyone in the classroom started doin' that slow, contagious sniffing thing 'til finally the teacher nailed her for freakin' reekin' of Kahlúa. The bite of it is that, though it appeared she'd bathed in the shit, she didn't swallow one gulp. Bite Me!) I used to water it down, too.

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