By Lauren Wise
By Anthony Sandoval
By New Times Staff
By Chris Parker
By Glenn BurnSilver
By Lauren Wise
By Jason P. Woodbury
By Chase Kamp
It's probably not a coincidence that there's nothing new to say about Tool. After all, it's been a while since the band had anything new to add to the world. (Well, presuming they ever had anything new to add to the world.) Whether it's their cookie-cutter riffs, their interchangeable drum patterns or their vapid lyrics ("Who are you to wave your finger? / So full of it / Eye balls deep in muddy waters / Fuckin' hypocrite"), Tool doesn't bring a lot to the table. Mercifully, the band typically averages about four years between high-concept/low-creativity albums, giving the world a nice respite from their inane antics. Of course, that's no way to make money, so these purveyors of Clear Channel rock spend the remainder of their time making wine or staging tours that somehow con meatheads into giving up their $50 in roofie money in exchange for seats in the back of an arena. But, oh, what a show you get — provided you're into videos of decomposing plant matter or claymation prison rape scenes that look like something from Tim Burton's "B" roll. Arizona-dwelling frontman Maynard James Keenan insists on a stage setting that directs the audience's eyes away from him because "he needs a bit of personal space, and he feels more comfortable in the shadows." Riiiight. Sounds an awful lot like Charlie performing "Day Man" in It's Always Sunny, but it promises to be far less entertaining.
It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. Shame on the man of cultivated taste who permits refinement to develop into fastidiousness that unfits him for doing the rough work of a workaday world. Among the free peoples who govern themselves there is but a small field of usefulness open for the men of cloistered life who shrink from contact with their fellows. Still less room is there for those who deride of slight what is done by those who actually bear the brunt of the day; nor yet for those others who always profess that they would like to take action, if only the conditions of life were not exactly what they actually are. The man who does nothing cuts the same sordid figure in the pages of history, whether he be a cynic, or fop, or voluptuary. There is little use for the being whose tepid soul knows nothing of great and generous emotion, of the high pride, the stern belief, the lofty enthusiasm, of the men who quell the storm and ride the thunder... - Theodore Roosevelt
If the lyrics you chose for this article from the song The Pot are 'vapid', how come there are so many web sites and posts interested in discussing the meaning of the lyrics? Just google it, or perhaps 'writers' of your caliber can't stoop down to that level of simple research?
Your 'inane' statements come across sounding more like a person afraid of what they don't understand since you obviously don't understand good music and lyrics that are more abstract than the simple-minded, literal, mainstream type music I'm sure you prefer like Daughtry or the Jonas Brothers...especially since you think we're all 'meatheads' with 'roofie money' anyway.
Calling you a Tool is too simple and easy so I'll just call you a Chode, you can google that.
Yeah, Dan, but Tool actually records their own songs and performs them live with no lip-syncing. I know this because one year somebody threw a water bottle at Maynard James Keenan's head, and so he decided not to sing the last three verses of "The Pot." Keenan may be a prima donna, and Tool may be on another gratuitous gimme-more-money tour with no new record, but a Milli Villi comparison is more of a stretch than saying Idolator ever mattered.
Tool is one of the #1 gets for the best and most acclaimed international music festivals in the world. They were the first headliner invited back to Coachella which is the center of the musical universe in case you didn't know. There is no band that puts as much into their live show as Tool besides maybe Radiohead. Those of us that like this band for the right reasons have to put up with some of the wrong people that have no idea what this music is really about showing up. It's really powerful music and some people who are attracted to it just can't process it internally and have to act out by moshing or throwing bottles at Maynard. Even the band dislikes the meatheads but you just have to transcend all of that and when you do it's rewarding. Sucks for you that you don't get it.
Another band that won Grammys and sold a ton of records: Milli Vanilli. Just wanted to throw that out there.
Cookie-cutter rifts, interchangeable drum patterns, clear channel rock?? What the fuck TOOL are you listening too??
Seriously did you just pull up a template in MS Word for 'shitty rock band review' then just type in TOOL in place of Nickelback?
Fine, you don't like TOOL, but you are seriously deluded if you actually believe what you wrote.
BUT, this is clearly the reaction you were hoping to get out of people who read this 'article,' you have little in life that makes you happy, therefore you bash anything that others like, simply to get some attention/reaction from it.How sad for you. You probably think you are unique and special don't you?
My problem with this review is not that it's negative toward Tool. My problem is that it's so poorly written. The writer can't muster any constructive criticism. A truly knowledgeable music fan of even the lowest cerebral caliber could have avoided generic terms like "cookie-cutter riffs." And what the hell is an "interchangeable drum pattern"? Somebody needs an education in basic music listening before getting any more music writing gigs.
Grammy awards and nominations:1998 - Aenima: Best Metal Performance (WON)1998 - Aenima: Best Recording Package1998 - Stinkfist: Best Music Video2002 - "Schism": Best Metal Performance (WON)2007 - 10,000 Days: Best Recording Package (WON)2007 - "Vicarious": Best Hard Rock Performance 2008 - "The Pot": Best Hard Rock Performance
RIAA AwardsUndertow - 2.00x MULTI PLATINUM (Certification Date05/14/2001)Opiate - PLATINUM (Certification Date04/01/2005)AENIMA - 3.00x MULTI PLATINUM (Certification Date03/04/2003)LATERALUS - 2.00x MULTI PLATINUM (Certification Date08/05/2003)10,000 DAYS - PLATINUM (Certification Date06/02/2006)VICARIOUS (VIDEO SINGLE) - 2.00x MULTI PLATINUM (Certification Date01/28/2008)
Hey Brian, are you crazy or are you crazy? You don't like TOOL? They aren't good enough for your cut? Jesus. Seriously. You are a douche bag of debauchery. This is your show write up? You spent time writing about a band you don't like? What made you so angry today? Did you run out of Valtrex meds? Herpes flaring up again during your review writing time? A Happy Meal you are not. Well, now I am going to spend my time writing about a dumdum I don't like - YOU, the REAL TOOL!
Here is a list of other claims I bet you would support:1. The Internet is a fad.2. Liberace wasn't gay.3. Girl on Girl porn is stupid.4. KFC gravy tastes like shit.5. The "shocker" isn't the best sexual move known to mankind.
But really....Can I borrow your face for a few days because my ass is going on a Holiday.
Your mother should have been arrested when you were born for smuggling dope. Dope. Anyway, have fun being a TOOL on Tuesday; I will be at the concert still questioning why mother didn't swallow you instead. Jerk-off!
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