Audio By Carbonatix
Members of the local chapter of the Zombie Research Society led a public meeting to discuss the impending zombie apocalypse this past Saturday, September 18.
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The ZRS is an international non-profit organization dedicated to “raising the level of zombie scholarship in the Arts and Sciences.” To become a member, pay the $25 one-time fee to get a ZRS tee shirt and laminated membership card — your first necessary supplies in defense against zombies (and getting laid).
The Arizona chapter, led by zombie expert Zoe Mora, concentrates on desert
survival tactics. The meeting provided hand-outs on water sterilization
and pasteurization, bug-out bags (72-hour survival packs), and other tips for surviving in a post-apocalyptic land infested by zombies. The presentation was delivered with total sincerity.
Mora noted that the greatest danger during a zombie apocalypse will be marauders — fellow human survivors searching for supplies. All marauders should be killed. Stemming from a lifetime of limited social contact, this group’s lack of human empathy is one of their most valuable weapons.
Audience attendance was surprisingly high on Saturday as 20 more people
than expected showed up to listen to ZRS leaders cover the basics of
improvised weapons (IWs), fortifications and traps in an urban setting.
The group of 22 concerned citizens listened intently as they learned to
use wood dowels, masking tape and dental floss to create dangerous
snares and traps. A passionate discussion followed as attendees debated
the following important questions:
What are the legal ramifications of killing a zombie?
Would a bomb kill a zombie?
Can zombies have babies?
Does a zombie have a heartbeat?
The room filled with heated opinions as this writer avoided eye contact.
According to the experts, there are no legal ramifications of killing a zombie due to the inevitable break-down of governmental and judicial systems; a bomb would only kill a zombie if it destroyed the zombie’s brain; zombies cannot have babies; and they may or may not have a heartbeat — this depends whether the zombie in question is the “undead” type of zombie or the kind of zombie that caught a disease.
As the meeting moved on to discuss zombie updates in pop culture, this
writer learned that, in addition to their obsession with living human
brain tissue, zombies love proms.
To learn more about ZRS, visit www.zombieresearch.org or attend October’s meeting at Bookmans Entertainment Exchange. Keep tabs on the store’s calendar for the date announcement.
