Paddle Boarding on Tempe Town Lake: Looking Like a Tool on a Big Board’s Never Been Easier

In this week’s edition of easy ways to catch chlamydia in Tempe, we bring you stand up paddle boarding; a sport that’s made athletes (and definitely non-athletes) look like clumsy Hawaiian surfer/gondola conductor wannabes across the US.

The City of Tempe just added paddle boarding to its docket of “sports” offered on the “lake” — just in time for the hot summer months to bring everything in that godforsaken waterhole to a boil. 

And if you’re worried about falling into the deeper end of the lake (where you can’t feel the debris with your toes), no worries. City officials say the sport is restricted to the shallow area where boarders can get a good view of what lies beneath paddle along the shore.

And If it weren’t for the countless reports of dead people, alligators, weapons, and needles, we’d probably recommend you try the $35 class that’ll teach you how to balance on an over-sized Styrofoam board with a — nope, just kidding, you still look like an idiot about to do a face plant into in a lake full of disease.