If you've been within a 5-foot radius of this writer at any time over the last nine months, you've certainly overheard me blabbing (nonstop -- I'm even annoying myself) about my upcoming wedding.
Naturally, I've banked hours of google image searches, bridal blog reading, and thumb-throughs of every wedding mag the grocery store has in stock. In the midst of my search for inspirations, I've come across wedding ideas and trends that are so overdone, I'm ready to puke. And if they haven't yet been done a million times, some ideas are just straight-up stupid.
10. Goofy Props at Photo Booths
Let's get one thing straight: I dig the photo booth. Everyone gets drunk and wild shit happens behind that little curtain. It makes for great times. So, please, for the love of matrimony, don't force it with giant sunglasses, over sized fuzzy top hats, mullet wigs, or fake mustaches. Do you know where those props have been? I bet they're filled with other
humans' greasy skin flakes and microscopic organisms. Sick.
9. Pre-wedding Plastic Surgery
Hit any bridal expo and you'll have skanky hoes waving their implants in your face. Literally -- they'll give you an implant to hold in your hand. I'm not morally opposed to
plastic surgery. I just think it's dangerous to surgically alter your body in order to fit into one outfit that you're going to wear for one day. What are you going to do with those massive double D's when they don't have to hold up a strapless dress? Have fun breast-feeding when you become a mommy.
8. Strapless Dresses
On that note, I'm officially filing a complaint against strapless dresses. I don't think they're the worst things in the world but strapless has
dominated the wedding dress scene for the last ten years. It's time to
give it up.
7. Birdcage Veil
I admit, I really liked this trend when it first hit the scene . . . four years ago. And I'm giving a free pass to the brides who are wearing them right now. Because of the lead time in planning a wedding outfit (when else do you pick a dress at least a year in advance?) it takes forever for a trend to die. So, if you're wearing one at your wedding a month from now, this means you signed on to the idea a year ago. But if you're planning you're wedding right now, don't do the birdcage veil. By the time you're at the altar you'll be on the ass end of this trend.
6. 3-D Videography
Yes, this is a thing. Honestly, if you want to spend thousands of dollars for this so you can sit down in your living room with dumb glasses on and watch your wedding over and over again, you need to reassess your life. Seriously. Take off the glasses, turn off the television, and get back to your marriage.
5. Photos: "The Jump" & "The Crouch"
We will give specific instructions to our wonderful wedding photographers to skip any group jumping or groom crouching. First, the group jump is something that was never that great to begin with. It's awkward. Everyone is making an ugly face. And why are they jumping anyway? It can't be comfortable in spanx.
Then there's "the crouch". It's a common set-up: Groom crouches in the foreground with his groomsmen standing in the background. I don't know why people haven't stopped doing this. It's a straight-up male crotch shot and it's gross.
4. Signature Drink
Many brides have the great idea to serve a signature cocktail to their guests. You know, because they haven't gotten over the fact that they will never be like Carrie Bradshaw. Done.
3. Green Weddings
Please. There's no such thing. Weddings are a decadent and extravagant waste of materials. Even if you try with your "recyclable" tissue paper pom poms, mason jars, or succulent centerpieces, you're still purchasing wire, ribbon, pots, and all the new materials to put the entire look together. Not to mention, are you really going to collect all that crap at the end of the night so you can be sure to get them in the recycle bin or re-plant them? That's what I thought. So stop patting yourself on the back already.
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2. Butterfly Releases
Yes, some crazy brides actually trap a bunch of winged bugs and release them into the air. Because, apparently, their union is so spectacular that they have to kidnap living creatures and create some fake-ass nature-inspired moment. Not to mention, the poor little guys (usually monarchs) have been raised in unnatural environments, are being releasedaway from their natural habitat, and can't find their migratory path. Read all about the long-term environmental damage you're doing here.
1. The Mini Top Hat Fascinator
Get that thing the hell away from my wedding.