4

10 Things Every Single Person Experiences at Weddings

^
Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Phoenix and help keep the future of New Times free.

It's that time of year and that time of life for weddings. Everywhere I look, whether it's on Facebook, Pinterest, or the magazine aisle of the grocery store, people are talking about their big day. Big deal.

Kidding. In truth, I love weddings. I love everything about them. I love drinking too much, eating too much, getting dressed up, and making up elaborate stories about myself to strangers . . .

That's not to say there aren't some serious speed bumps that single people are bound to encounter at any marriage ceremony -- be it orthodox or contemporary, large scale or intimate.

So here they are: the 10 things that all single people should come to expect leading up to and at the next wedding they attend.

See also: Phoenix Is a Great City for Single Women, Apparently

10. Spend a serious amount of time debating whether to check the "plus one" box on the wedding invitation and drink an entire bottle of wine in the process.

9. Browse through the happy couple's registry and eventually find inspiration to get hitched. Hello, limited edition KitchenAid mixer.

8. Struggle to explain the concept of "tastefully slutty" to a sales associate at Nordstrom.

7. Just take a cab there. Who are you kidding?

6. Size up every groomsman/bridesmaid and age appropriate bachelor/bachelorette at the reception. Then after a couple drinks, work your way to the wait staff.

5. Be sat at the kids table, the singles table, or worse, a table of nothing but married couples swapping stories of their achieved milestones and passing up alcoholic beverages because they're trying for their second bundle of joy. Excellent. More for you.

4. Be asked by relatives, old acquaintances, and complete strangers, when they can expect to see you walk down the aisle. It's at this point you have to fight the urge to flip over a catering tray and run away yelling, "Never!"

3. Be forced onto the dance floor by the DJ, the bride, or a pimply minor who can't take a hint. It's basically junior prom all over again.

2. Pretend like you couldn't give two shits about catching the bouquet while simultaneously wedging your heel into another woman's foot for a shot at the prize.

1. Lose something. A shoe, a party favor, your dignity, it changes. You enter weddings as a whole person and somewhere between the third champagne cocktail and the electric slide, something always goes missing. In retrospect, it's probably best that you don't have children.

Follow Jackalope Ranch on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest.

Keep Phoenix New Times Free... Since we started Phoenix New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Phoenix, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Phoenix with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.

 

Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Phoenix.

 

Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Phoenix.