Dear Undocumented Citizen,
Contrary to what Sheriff Joe Arpaio says, we're happy to have you in our country. We know you're looking for a better life, better opportunities to provide for you and your family, and a chance to make a positive impact on society.
Sure anti-immigration groups want to rain on your freedom parade, but not us. We want to help you stick around. In fact, we want to help you stay under the radar like Jose Antonio Vargas did for nearly 20-years at a Pulitzer Prize winning newsroom. Unfortunately, the last paper in The Valley to win a Pulitzer (East Valley Tribune, 2009) drastically reduced its size a few years ago, so hiding there's out of the question.
But fear not, we've come up with a list of hiding places for you to live out your American Dream sans immigration raids.
Check out our list of the best places to hide undocumented citizens after the jump.
Mesa Mormon Temple
Disguise: Special garments, white, short-sleeved shirt, black pants, tie, and a bike helmet.
Mormons aren't the poster sect for progression--hell, it wasn't until the late 70s that a revelation from "God" said blacks could hold the priesthood. But earlier this month, the Church of Jesus Christ of Ladder-day Saints released a statement advocating amnesty for illegal immigrants.
In a nutshell, the statement says that undocumented citizens are "children of God" too, and expelling roughly 12-million of them wouldn't be very nice. Basically, as long as illegal immigrants "square themselves the law," and continue to work, Mormons think undocumented citizens should stick around.
Consider the Mesa Mormon Temple as an undocumented safe place. Sheriff Arpaio would never raid a house of worship, would he?
Arizona State University's Ira A. Fulton Schools of Engineering
Disguise: ASU sweatshirt, overpriced textbooks, and a look of uncertainty towards the future
Arizona State University's enrolls over 70,000 students, some of whom are undocumented. In fact, the person you're trying to cheat off of in class may be one of them.
This past May, ASU student Angelica Hernandez earned the title of Distinguished Graduating Senior in Mechanical Engineering, or valedictorian. In other words, she's knows her shit. But she's also undocumented.
Hernandez came to the United States with her mother in 1998 when she was nine-years old. At Carl Hayden High School, she was a member of the famous robotics team, graduated with a 4.5 GPA, and chose to study mechanical engineering at ASU because it allows her to be a "jack of all trades" within the field.
Consider enrolling for classes at ASU, graduating top of the class, and then fighting for our rights in Washington D.C.
In Plain Sight
Disguise: none, act naturalized
Sometimes not hiding at all is the best way to stay under the radar. Just take a page out of former hot dog vendor Robert Carter's book.
In 1993, Carter called New Times to complain about Sheriff Joe's work-furlough program, claiming it was a joke. In fact, Carter himself had escaped from the program earlier that year and was selling hot dogs right outside Madison Street Jail.
"These guys are so ignorant that I could arrange to sell hot dogs in front of the county jail and they wouldn't catch me," Carter said.
Long story short, we set up a photo-op with then-Attorney General Grant Woods buying lunch from a local hot dog vendor, escapee Robert Carter. Needless to say, the General wasn't happy he helped prove how ignorant local law enforcement was.
Moral of the story, act natural.
Go about your day as if you had legal residency, and don't let Sheriff Joe intimidate you. Y'all are our neighbors, our friends. You're co-workers, and hot dog vendors, valedictorians and Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist. And together, we're one nation, indivisible.