What's Jay Leno Been Up to Since Retiring?

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It was sad -- Jay Leno's 22 years hosting The Tonight Show ended with all the excitement of a guy farting at the mall. We all talked about his joke stealing and his talk-show stealing and how he'd played to the middle, threw away his talent.

We were happy to see him go back to his garage and all his cars, to make way for Fallon, for his dancing to hip-hop.

Jay Leno must be lonely. What has Jay Leno been doing the last couple weeks?

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  • Really getting some drinking done.
  • Finally meeting his housekeeper of 23 years.
  • Asking her if she knows the Vice President's name.
  • Asking her if she watched the State of the Union speech.
  • Asking her to introduce him announcer-style before he walks into the kitchen.
  • Sitting in his 1937 Bugatti Type 57 SC Atlantic in his garage, fiddling with the radio.
  • Sitting in his 1917 Fiat Botafogo Special, fiddling with the starter pull knob.
  • Sitting in his 1915 Hispano-Suiza, fiddling with the cross-pipe exhaust yank.
  • Pitching a show about comedians in cars getting coffeecakes.
  • Pitching a show about Larry David's life starring Jay Leno.
  • Pitching a show called [snaps fingers] Louie!
  • Stacking VHS tapes.
  • Trying to find the right extension cord to plug his film projector into his computer.
  • Working on a video parody of Phil Collins' "In the Air Tonight" with Richard Dreyfus.
  • Sitting in his 1927 Duesenberg Model X, fiddling with the drop-hang passenger mirror.
  • Sitting in his 1909 Baker Electric, fiddling with the flush-mount electra-coil.
  • Trying to get his edge back by buying rolling papers at a 7-Eleven in El Segundo.
  • Standing out front of Letterman's house with a plate of brownies for six hours.
  • Standing out front of Conan O'Brien's house with two beers for three days.
  • Wondering why the hell he bought all these fucking cars.
  • Counting his cars - hundreds of fucking cars!
  • Asking the Comedy Store if he can bring his applause sign for a surprise set next Tuesday.
  • Counting his motorcycles -- 80 fucking motorcycles!
  • Asking his agent if there's any show or pilot or anything out there right now that would be perfect for him to -- what do you call it -- steal.
  • Asking Jimmy Fallon if he's seen Kevin Eubanks or Ricky Minor or any of those guys around.
  • Starting a podcast by buying iPod or something -- he's doesn't know what he's doing.
  • Drinking his wife's orange juice when she leaves the table to get a bagel.
  • Eating her bagel when she leaves to get another orange juice.
  • Drinking her orange juice when she leaves to get another bagel.
  • Eating her bagel when she leaves to get another orange juice.
  • And finally eating her bacon!
  • Sitting in his 1931 Bentley 8-Liter, fiddling with the steam horn.
  • Sitting in his 1906 Stanley Steamer Vanderbilt Cup Racer, fiddling with the double boiler.
  • Looking through his old scrapbook of friends and comedians who trashed him publicly.
  • Cutting up Variety to make funny headlines about him returning to The Tonight Show.
  • Floating the idea of returning to The Tonight Show to Allison from the Coffee Bean.
  • Just shooting the shit about returning to host The Tonight Show with his car buddies in his garage and the president of NBC in his office.
  • Juicing.
  • Sitting in his 1968 Lamborghini R485 Tractor -- a fucking tractor!

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