Whenever someone tells Joe Aylward he’s got holes in his head, he doesn’t argue the point. “Many people look at me and the first thing they say is ‘stupid kid!'” concedes Aylward, a 33-year-old apprentice body-piercer in Tempe. “It’s always like, ‘This guy has got to be the biggest moron…

Peering over the podium at a Washington, D.C., fund raiser last July, the tiny dark-eyed child in the white satin dress flashes her audience a disarming smile–then proceeds to annihilate them with comic timing worthy of Johnny Carson. “Right now I know exactly how Susan B. Anthony felt,” announces the…

Were the ghosts of Marilyn Monroe, John Belushi, Patsy Cline, Bing Crosby and Elvis Presley to converge on Earth, they could hardly have picked a more unlikely location for their postmortem summit meeting than the far East Valley, a snowbird wonderland of RV parks, propane stations, swap meets and all-you-can-eat…

Think of illustrious cartoon teamings and a host of memorable characters springs to mind. Heckle and Jeckle! Fred and Barney! Beavis and Butt-head! Fife and Joe?! Yes, thanks to the magic of computer animation, yet another dynamic duo has entered the cartoon pantheon. And who better to jump out of…

For most of us, getting ready for the holidays means whipping up a batch of Chex mix, hacking up a Hickory Farms beef log and hoping that this year’s monthlong ordeal will pass as quickly and as painlessly as possible. But when it comes to Christmas, twin brothers Bob and…

At the Reverend Anthony Harvey’s drive-through window east of downtown Phoenix, you can’t cash a check, order a cheeseburger or pick up a six-pack. Instead, he’ll serve you a bier. Earlier this year, Harvey installed a drive-through viewing window in his mortuary at 1641 East Jefferson. An option offered to…

Court is now in session–QuickCourt, that is. All rise! Not that anyone who uses any of the two dozen judicial vending machines unveiled by the Arizona Supreme Court last week will have much choice. Standing at the ATM-like QuickCourt kiosks, the legally clueless can now electronically fill out paperwork relating…

After recently notifying the state Department of Economic Security that her mother-in-law had died and would no longer be needing food stamps, Melissa Winston correctly assumed she’d heard the last from the agency. Her departed mother-in-law, however, would not be so lucky. Less than a week after the Chandler woman’s…

Elvis Presley swaggered along its dusty streets in Charro!. Chuck Connors charged out of the saloon in The Rifleman. Jason Robards bathed in the town horse trough in The Ballad of Cable Hogue. More recently, Kenny Rogers demonstrated when to hold ’em and when to fold ’em when he shot…

Staring intently at a stopwatch, the tiny silver-haired woman repeats the instructional mantra that’s our signal to fly into action. “Right armpits! Ready . . . set . . . wash!” Flipping up the bath-towel ponchos we’re wearing over our chests, the four of us who are leaning over a…

If Hill Top Research employee Kim Sweet had ever appeared as a contestant on What’s My Line?, members of the game-show panel would probably have thrown up their hands in defeat. And if they’d also thrown up their arms, she could have actually demonstrated her unusual occupation. An “odor judge,”…

Since moving into a Sunnyslope town house that abuts the Phoenix Mountains Preserve ten years ago, real estate agent Dan Galvin has enjoyed his spacious “backyard”–a scenic stretch of mountainous desert. Hiking enthusiasts, he and his wife, Lori, frequently walk their dog through the outdoor retreat, returning home via the…

If Pee-wee Herman ever participates in a bicycle rodeo on Mars, it’s a cinch his entry won’t hold a candle to the unidentified non-flying object that’s been keeping Valley motorists guessing for the past several years. A souped-up cardboard cabin attached to a bicycle frame, the winged craft is hard…

Kids. Clerks. Priest. As operator of one of the country’s most successful independent movie-theatre chains, Dan Harkins prides himself on showing some of the most sophisticated, controversial and daring films ever to hit local screens. During any given year, the multiplex mogul can be counted on to present dozens of…

For years, the uninitiated have roamed the aisles of adult boutiques, wondering what possible uses anyone could find for the bevy of battery-operated rubber-and-latex pumps, prods and plungers dangling from the walls. In recent months, however, sex-shop customers have been baffled by an even stranger mystery. Namely, what’s so erotic…

Why did the rattlesnake cross the road? When a diamondback slithered across the dirt road in front of her a few summers back, Sandy Weber didn’t wait to find out. Instead, the adventuresome grandmother calmly stopped her pickup and did what anyone else in her particular business would have done…

At this very moment, someone somewhere in the Valley–a man, a woman, a child, even a parrot, maybe–is undoubtedly mimicking the maniacal mantra that has catapulted an obscure Israeli pager salesman into the forefront of the local pop-culture firmament. “I’m JJ! I’m the owner! I’m the King of Beepers!” For…

At first glance, the East Valley slackers who call themselves Timmy and Roberto wouldn’t seem likely candidates to appear on a TV talk show. Both high school graduates, the young men apparently possess the normal number of chromosomes. As far as anyone knows, neither has been romantically involved with a…

Don’t try to tell Dixie about the Freudian symbology of a lock and a key. She isn’t buying. Instead, the northern Arizona widow is selling–or at least attempting to sell–her late husband’s padlock collection, a lifetime obsession that eventually filled an entire backyard travel trailer with thousands of locks and…

If it weren’t for the Earth’s gravitational pull, a Phoenix grandfather claims he’d have pedaled his stationary-exercise bicycle a fifth of the way to the moon by now. Punching some figures into his pocket calculator, the robust retiree amends the progress report on his hypothetical bike ride through space. “Actually,…

Say “Adios!” to sombreros, pinatas and tequila. In some circles, at least, the Mexican souvenirs of choice are rapidly becoming tranquilizers, amphetamines and narcotic painkillers. The weird phenomenon–the seemingly legal circumvention of laws preventing the unnecessary prescription of U.S. drugs with recreational potential–emerged from an ever-enlarging loophole in U.S. Food…

A recreational-drug user since the late Sixties, my friend Skippy is a man who likes his pills. So I wasn’t exactly surprised when, grinning from ear to ear, he triumphantly whipped out a bottle of the prescription muscle relaxer Soma. What did surprise me was his explanation of how he…