Gentlemen, start your vas deferens, because honeyed porn starlet Nikki Benz is hosting a Dirty Thirty party for some lucky schmuck named Lee. We’d love to talk about Benz’s smash hit Test Drive, but we just checked out the 18-plus Web site and we, uh . . . spelling …

You’re driving around neighborhoods searching out Christmas lights with your screaming kids hopped up on hot chocolate and peppermints. “Stop here! No, there!” The little darlings trample over fencing and a lawn jockey while the plastic baby Jesus cringes fearfully in His swaddling. Thirty seconds later, Junior’s grabbing the donkey…

A car scrub with Wi-Fi and a fresh-food restaurant might seem overkill, but we’re talking about the Scottsdale Auto Salon, which offers an express wash and imported beers for you and a Victory Lane with concierge service, hand-washing, and champagne for us. As Suns broadcaster Al McCoy would say, “Oh,…

Yale women’s basketball coach Chris Gobrecht turned her mewling purse puppies back into Bulldogs in just one season, and thinks they’re ready to take on our Lady Sun Devils. We’d say she’s pissing on the wrong tree. At this writing, the Devils are ranked 12th, and return 10 players from…

“So, what gifts are you giving for the holiday?” Your psychiatrist poises her pen while you clutch at the box of Kleenex in your lap. “I’ve got plenty of time to pick something up at the airport, don’t I?” Shuddering, you close your eyes and fumble through scary-clown memories from…

Who’s got two arms twirling, two legs crisscrossing, eight wheels rolling, and hot funk flowing? That would be you at Soul Skate Roll & Bounce. The rolling freakout mates the thrills and spills of skating with spinning lights, disco balls, and a soundtrack heavy on the R&B and soul sounds…

The standard-issue high school cheerleader is a baby-fatted, gawky teen destined for marriage and motherhood, but what of the preternatural beauty who realizes all she needs is that one lucky break or a good agent? In the 1978 skin flick Debbie Does Dallas, a naive pep squad pools its sexual…

The game pitting the Arizona State Sun Devil b-ballers against the (Christian) Grand Canyon University Antelopes might be an exhibition match, but if you think of it as Satan versus God, you’ve got yourself a real ballgame. While the ´lopes continue their rise to respectability under offensive-minded third-year coach Scott…

Like Superman creators Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster, Kevin J. Anderson was first published in his teens, and his prolific success is enviable. Now Anderson will sign and discuss what Superman fans have been clamoring for: The Last Days of Krypton, a book that subtly retraces the courtship of Jor-El…

Old golfing joke: Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. “Bad day at the course?” his wife asked. “Everything was going fine,” he said. “Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee.” “Oh, that’s awful!” she cried. “You’re…

Some believe that creating books is a talent of the elite, others that the printed word is a manipulation of the masses. As fireman Montag asserts in Ray Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451, “Maybe the books can get us half out of the cave.” The collective named ABBA (A Buncha Book Artists)…

Next Lounge is hopping the fright game, so grab some Night Train, release your snake brain, and make for the dope lane around Professa Dank’s fame. Well, it’s clumsy, but since our rap lessons come from a one-legged pirate, who can you blame? No blundering zombies working the tables up…

If Burn Nightclub has its way, the resident DJs will continue to release pounding beats into the cement sidewalk until everything west of First Street falls into the Pacific Ocean and central Phoenix finally reigns as the terrible Queen of Light, her raised arms blurring slightly in the sunset as…

Drunken revelry with a side of altruism — and the infamously crispy hop of Fat Tire beer — is behind the Tour De Fat, which includes a costumed bike parade and drinking stops at designated locales. The parade, which kicks things off, is followed by the tapping of frosty kegs…

The current administration creates dissension among Americans by closing our borders, upholding archaic marriage laws, and warmongering. Is that funny? It’s an effing gold mine if you’re the brilliant Moz Jobrani, Ahmed Ahmed, and Aron Kader. These hyphen-American comedians call themselves the Axis of Evil, and they’ve clawed their way…

Our Nana Giles was somewhat prickly, but a few frothy beers and she’d be pulling polka moves with her little dog Liebchen over her head. That’s the power of Oktoberfest: big steins, bigger bratwurst, and the biggest lederhosen. Mein Gott! On Friday, October 5, you and your Kuschelbär can test…

Our Nana Giles was somewhat prickly, but a few frothy beers and she’d be pulling polka moves with her little dog Liebchen over her head. That’s the power of Oktoberfest: big steins, bigger bratwurst, and the biggest lederhosen. Mein Gott! You can rock the ´toberfest with Deutschland bands and chef…

What do you get when you cross Foghorn Leghorn with Milton Berle and a Gibson guitar? You get Big Cock, The Hardest Band in the Land, which promises all the microphone-jacking, air-humping, and torn underwear you could shake a baby’s arm holding an apple at. It figures the mortally sinful…

George A. Romero once said, “Zombies are the blue-collar monsters.” That sounds familiar, because if you wake up morose, stagger into the bathroom, spill the same bitter cup of coffee, and then lunge to work every day, hell, chomping your cuticles could pass as a taste for human flesh. Film…

Pretend it’s 1826, you’re inside the Metropolitan Hotel in New York City, trying not to stare at all the pretty wrists and ankles, when someone orders a cocktail and Jerry “The Professor” Thomas picks up his steel tumblers, lights the ingredients on fire, and streams the contents of Blue Blaze…

In the 1970s, the Campaign to End Pay Toilets in America (CEPTIA) destroyed the last of the coin privys. Old as we are, we remember mother telling us to “crawl under the stall” when she didn’t have the requisite dime. Tempe Little Theatre takes it one belly-crawl further with Urinetown:…

Even retro is retro nowadays, so the fact that Anderson’s Fifth Estate continues to exist despite everything from trout and cougar conventions to lost dale-boys wearing guyliner is testament to the nightclub’s longevity. Panic! with DJ Manchester proves the point, as you’ll see when you’re bumping to ´60s mod stirred…