Bars & Clubs

No gyrating belly dancers, no velvet couches. This is just a hookah bar, plain and simple. King Tut, a Middle Eastern restaurant, lounge and de facto cultural center, was around way before the Tempe smoking ban and Gulf War II made smoking hookahs dangerously cool, so, thankfully, it hasn't resorted to becoming a glitzy novelty. The joint is relatively quiet during the day, so gaggles of ASU students stop by to relax and study between classes on the well-worn Persian couches. At night, the action turns up a notch, but only a slight notch. The seemingly endless soundtrack of Bob Marley and anonymous Arabic jams seems just a little louder and the crowd thickens mildly. Perhaps because there are no shimmying distractions, the cross-legged, barefooted patrons always seem to be engaged in lively conversation between each puff of their smoke.

Get your motor runnin'? Head out on the highway? Lookin' for adventure? Looking for your dentures, more likely. If you haven't already noticed, the median age for the heavy-metal thunder-riding Harleys these days is about 56, and it's the guys who stayed in med school in the '60s instead of pursuing personal freedom and white-line fever across America. So it's to be expected that this motorcycle clique making up for lost time makes its hedonistic home a chic, relatively new bar in the heart of Old Town Scottsdale, wearing more leather apparel than most wanna-be punks half their age.

Despite the metal and marble bar's proximity to the Easyriders Tattoo Parlor, most of the marked men who come in for a drink are under the age of 29 and are too smarting from being under the needle to spike the "Born to Be Mild" set. But don't you make the mistake of writing off these geezers as two tires short of a wheelchair -- they're old enough to remember how to have a good time; they punch up mostly agreeable dinosaur rock selections on the corner "Jukebox-zilla," as it is affectionately known; they drink responsibly; and on Thursday ladies' nights, they usually have a fortysomething hottie in tow.

Can your old man pull off any of this without getting clocked in the head with a fryer by your Mom? Nah, didn't think so.

(and 10825 North Scottsdale Road, Scottsdale, 480-348-1666) The devil's in the details, and this ritzy bar knows exactly what it takes to mix the perfect mart. These toss-backs can get expensive ($7.50 for a basic recipe), but wow, they're worth it, with generous three-ounce pours of alcohol. Of course, these martinis are based on vodka (nobody uses gin anymore, it's so passé) with fruit (no olives, no onions; today's young drinkers want high-octane, cotton-candy punch). What shall it be tonight? Top picks: "Sex & the City," with Absolut Mandarin, Amaretto Disarrono, peach schnapps, orange juice and cranberry; and the "Soprano," with Campari, triple sec, Absolut Mandarin and a shake of OJ. Appetizers are needed to soak up the sting of lethally poured Stoli Razberi, served as the "Turner" with triple sec and lemon juice, or the Kaiser Soze, shaken with Stoli vanilla, Kahlúa, Bailey's, milk and Goldschlager. This is one devil we really want to dance with.

Readers' Choice: Martini Ranch

This is your cue to make a break to Kolbys Corner Pocket. Forget about those rinky-dink matchbox tables you have to pop quarters into. The 22 regulation-size tables here are works of art from the likes of Gandy, Gold Crown III and Brunswick. At Kolbys, you rent by the hour, which makes it a great destination for a group outing of wholesome fun. This place is serious about its pool and so are its patrons. There won't be some wayward drinker disrupting that crucial shot at the eight ball. Find the angle, line it up and sink into Kolbys Corner Pocket.

Readers' Choice: Clicks Billiards

There's only one place in the Valley to find and enjoy a truly great smoke -- Goodfella's. The recently opened lounge has two buildings in which to relax. The front houses the humidor that is stocked with premium cigars such as Romeo y Julieta, Don Thomas, Arturo Fuente and Montecristo. There is also a flat-screen TV and parlor sofas. If you smoke up an appetite, grab a sandwich from the deli.

A separate building in back is home to the members-only cigar club (membership is $175 a year). There's a salon fully equipped with a pool table, dart room, plush leather couches, a conference room and more. Members receive discounts on cigars and special events like televised fights. The real flavor to this place is here, in an atmosphere that allows you to enjoy your tobacco with other like-minded individuals.

Readers' Choice: Ritz-Carlton

Is there a place that meets these requirements: a) a huge selection of top-shelf liquors; b) a spacious floor plan with lots of comfortable seating; c) an outdoor area to take in some fresh air; and d) rows upon rows of beautiful men?

Yes sir! Only one place in the Valley can serve up these requirements and keep them coming -- Amsterdam. Enjoy martinis and a manicure (on Mondays) or just come every day of the week for an abundance of eye candy. Is it a coincidence that this ultra-hip bar is named after the unofficial gay capital of the world? We don't think so.

Readers' Choice: Amsterdam

Interested in shakin' that booty to good vibrations? Then shuffle your feet over to Axis/Radius. It's not one nightclub, but two under one roof. Start off at Axis, and when we dip, you dip, we dip in front of the 10-foot video screen. Bust a move to your favorite songs or enjoy live music once a week from sexy Shalom and Pazport. It's getting hot in here; take off . . . across the glass catwalk to Radius.

At Radius you will find the top DJs spinning the hottest dance music under an extraordinary light show. If you're having problems finding your groove thang, look to one of the sultry go-go dancers for it. Whichever side you are on, there will be plenty of bodies to grind; the dance floors are always packed. So get up on the dance floor (or both) and move that body to the pounding beats.

Readers' Choice for Best Dance Club: Axis/Radius

Relationships require time, money and too much maintenance in the fast-paced 21st century. Sanctuary offers a perfect atmosphere for those looking to have a little fun without any strings attached. There are seven fully stocked bars at which to lose your inhibitions, which also allows more time to make the rounds to locate that party partner for the evening. Sanctuary is always mobbed so it's nearly impossible to strike out. And with the VIP room upstairs, there are always beautiful babes flaunting their stuff on the catwalk. Head to this hot spot that has been dubbed "Skanktuary" because of the abundance of skimpy outfits and slippery morals.

Readers' Choice for Best Place to Drown Your Sorrows: Clicks Billiards

Screaming drag queens and young gays and lesbians hover like schoolchildren at recess as the mere mortal 1 a.m. threshold approaches at Boom on Saturday nights. Between 1 a.m. and 4 a.m., those players loosen up, as the men line the bar flirting with the muscled bartenders, young boys do the "diva catwalk" on the dance floor's poles and the transvestites strut in full cheap regalia. The gender signs left the rest rooms long ago, so leave the modesty behind. With local DJs spinning high-energy techno, house and the occasional Top 40 hit remix, there's enough audio energy to sustain the hot and heavy grinding on the sardine-can-tight dance floor.

Ticker Tape Parade is bashing away on the main stage inside the cavernous Nita's, and you're by the big bar, hanging with Valley scenesters, buying each other beers. Five songs into the set, you get that itch in your back, and the spigots prepare to open. It's pissing time. Buzzing as you are from all the Red Stripe, you stumble into the john and start your routine. Looking down, the message hits you in white lettering: "Say No to Drugs." Good Lord. God is speaking to you through a red urinal cake. The Big Man is making his pitch for clean living, even in one of the most energetic live spots in town. You have your little moment of clarity, zip up your pants and stumble back out onto the floor.

This is the Valley's most oddly inspirational rest-room break.

It never fails. You're at Club Freedom, and your girlfriend has exceeded her drink limit and excuses herself to throw up. You get worried about her and stand by the ladies' room. Inevitably, you'll find a girl crying in her cell phone trying to secure a ride home after a dance floor argument with a brutish boyfriend -- Victor, Tommy and Bennie seem to be names the caddish set prefer these days. Or you'll find two girls in spangly dresses with matching boobs, one consoling the other that the guy she just broke up with the month before is dancing with someone else. It's like a Dr. Phil audition. From our eavesdropping, we found one Eve complaining about her soon-to-be ex for staring at the DJ's crate of vinyl instead of marveling how wonderful she looked. Admittedly, the view from the ladies' room is terribly one-sided, but so are most breakups, and, let's face it, no one's venting anything but bravado at the men's room.

But why break up at Freedom? Maybe because its very name suggests to people it's a great place for declaring independence, whether it's from Tempe's predictable music scene or from the predictable mate they came to hear it with. Maybe it's the club's proximity to ASU and the Holiday Inn that makes for a volatile mix of patrons. The indoor fireworks seem especially incendiary on the club's hottest night, Kind Fridays, which winds from 9 p.m. to 4 a.m., leaving plenty of time for those who haven't quite found the time to call it quits in public.

Looking good is only the half of it. You also need to be seen by other good-looking people to truly pull off an ensemble. SIX is the place to be seen in the Valley. This über-chic lounge with its mood lighting and modern decor is the place to flaunt your style. Each night of the week there is a different theme to tantalize your senses. The bar is backed by lights that change color with the music and is lined with an ice strip to keep those drinks cold. DJs spin mellow mixes as background music. This way, you're still able to mingle and network without having to scream, which never looks attractive anyway. SIX brings together professionals who are not only fashionable but are cool and confident.

Just a tip: When using the rest rooms, remember to lock the door (they'll fog up). Otherwise, the entire bar will get a free peep show. And that's something you don't want to be seen.

Readers' Choice: SIX

Sure, breaking up is hard to do. Especially when it comes to gauging the reaction of the one being dumped. Will they cry? Will they come out swingin'? Will they scream at you like Bobby Knight? It is really hard to make that call. We suggest you take them some place . . . different to cut them loose. At TT Roadhouse, the parting of ways will fly well below radar. If the distraught individual starts to cry, the place is dark enough so no one will see. Let's say that the person is a feisty one and comes at you like Mike Tyson; the aptly trained bouncers will be there quicker than Carl Lewis. The screams will be drowned out by a rockin' jukebox crankin' out punk anthems and hard guitar riffs. Besides, the regulars -- consisting of punks, bikers and other ruffians -- are used to volatile outbreaks. But, best of all, the Roadhouse is close enough to the Scottsdale club cluster that you can find a new squeeze before sunrise.

These bar snacks are so flat-out tasty we'd stuff ourselves even if we'd just finished dinner. There is a big, beautiful selection of eclectic savories like sumac grilled lamb chops with mint hummus, spaghettini egg rolls with a spicy peanut dipping sauce, horseradish mashed potato stuffed shrimp with cactus pear and five-peppercorn ranch, and ahi with watercress cucumber salad over won ton chips. More traditional bar fare gets the Eddie's touch: chicken tenders encrusted with tortilla chips, dunked in green chile ketchup; shrimp slathered in Moroccan spices alongside honey dough balls; and toasted seafood ravioli with a gripping apricot-voodoo dip. The lounge features a Mediterranean theme, stocked with Turkish-style chaises and decorated in vibrantly colored fabrics. Sometimes there's live music, but there's always a bartender with an easy hand pouring our favorite cocktails.

Readers' Choice for Best Bar Food: Bar Nun

If you're really a Guinness drinker, then you know how hard it is to find Guinness in this town, poured like it was meant to be served: warm, in a pint glass, by someone who knows what they're doing. You know how to wait for it, mouth watering, watching until the slow fizzle of the light brown bubbles clears to the top and leaves the body dark, thick and pitch black. Ah . . . Guinness. The beer that eats like a meal.

Unfortunately, most bars around here serve it cold, in a frosty glass, with no head. But we stumbled upon the Friendly Irish Pub quite by accident -- and much to our delight. Not only are the people quite friendly at the Friendly, but they know how to pour and serve the nectar of the white and pasty, for a shocking $2 a pint.

No, we're not kidding. Sit down at the long oak bar, light up a cigarette (one of the few smoker-friendly establishments in Mesa) and imbibe the dark liquid, or order anything from the staggeringly complete selection of libations. The pub has more cowboy hats than any Irish bar in the universe, but the happy hour is hopping, the beer is perfect, the food is good, and the pool sharks are ready to take your money after you drink too much.

Crowded on Friday and Saturday nights, as you push your way through the Bikini Lounge toward the bar, you'll find a mix of pseudo-intellectual artists, wanna-be underground college students and hooker-chic women and men who look like truck drivers. Tiki torches line the back walls around the deep-seated booths and the pool table in the back while the jukebox roars anything from '50s doo-wop to early '90s hip-hop -- it's all smooth, and it's all good for the hook-up train. The place is noisy and loud, so most of the "picking up" here goes on in the parking lot or out on the street in front of the bar, but the "come hither" looks from the lip-glossed, doe-eyed chicks remain inside.

Readers' Choice for Best Bar for Conversation: Copper Canyon Brewing & Ale House

It takes more than scantily clad gyrating women to make a good strip club. Try finding one with a variety of great music, a low cover charge and good drink specials. Add friendly waitresses, clean rest rooms and, oh yeah, beautiful dancers and the list gets pretty short. The Bourbon Street Circus has all of this and more, which puts it at the top of the list for local gentlemen's clubs. Have a cold drink and admire the scenery while you're seated in the dimly lighted background near one of the two stages or, if you have the cash, in the champagne room. Lovely ladies will politely ask if you'd like a dance, and if you have the interest (and money: $8 before 7 p.m., $10 after) your senses will be in for a treat.

Call it novel inspiration: On many a sweltering Havana day, Ernest Hemingway kept cool at his favorite watering hole, La Bodeguita, with a steady supply of ice-cold mojitos. Not surprisingly, the famous Cuban concoction helps beat the heat here as well -- if it's good enough for the literary legend, it's good enough for the parched souls of Phoenix. A tall, refreshing glass of rum, fresh mint, sugar, lime juice and soda, the mojito's been popping up on drink menus around town. But let the drinker beware. While it's hard to screw up cocktails such as gin and tonic or whiskey sours, there is absolutely a right way and a wrong way to make a mojito. And Merc Bar -- a dimly lighted, low-key-chic lounge discreetly located in the Camelback Esplanade -- does the drink justice, keeping it tart but sweet, strong but slurpable.

Readers' Choice for Best Happy Hour: Applebee's Neighborhood Grill & Bar

Feel the passion, dust off those dance shoes and drop into the hottest gay Latin club in the Valley. Whether you are looking to cha-cha or for muchachos, this club spins dance hits that are en fuego. The mostly male patrons (although there are a number of trannies that work and hang out here) are hot, hot, hot! If you're seeking Ricky Martin or Ricky Ricardo, this is where he'll be. Paco's also features weekly drink specials, Thursday night CD release parties and drag shows that keep the music going until the break of dawn (well, 1 a.m. anyway). Find that hot Latin lover and then hit the mirrored dance floor for some salsa or merengue. Maybe you'll want to stay by the bar and do some body shots; whatever gets your blood boiling goes here. All we can say is that Paco Paco is muuuuuy rico!

On Friday nights, the Sky Lounge in downtown Phoenix turns into a virtual Buena Vista Social Club, where young and hip Latinos throughout the Valley lounge downstairs and gyrate upstairs.

Afro-Cuban salsa jammers Cascabel (that's "rattle" to you) liven the atmosphere for the drinkers -- and themselves -- with their unique blend (for Phoenix, anyway) of Latin jazz, samba and Gypsy swing. Their stage sits literally outside of the club, acting as a sort of musical barker to Washington Street cruisers.

Upstairs, the place is pure salsa nirvana. The balcony is great for breathers and the back bar is jammed with cool alter-Latinos. The room routinely rocks, but not until 1 a.m., when DJs spin nonstop Latin techno-pop and rock en espaol for a packed and sweaty dance floor. If there's no room, and that's usually a given, people just make their own dance floors wherever they are. People walk, stop to dance, then keep on cruising.

Until that after-hours scene explodes, the night belongs to salsa and chicks -- lots of them. They're the prize that longhaired Mexican rockeros and Pan American salseros compete over for the honor of an electrifying dance.

Readers' Choice for Best Club for Latin: Pepin

Tired of going out and looking for a beer but having a limited selection to choose from? Looking for a place that offers the full gamut to fill your goblet? The Papago Brewing Company knows your pain. The owners believe that there is more to beer than Pabst Blue Ribbon and Coors Light. Featuring 30 different beers on tap as well as two engines for cask-conditioned ales, this place aims high and soars. It has a wide variety of imported, domestic and microbrew beers (more than 450) to wet your palate. Not to mention more than 100 unique and hard-to-find wines, ports and meads to quench your thirst. So, all you liquid dieters who are looking for an extensive menu of the finest suds in the land, head over to Papago Brewing Company and knock back some of nature's bliss.

Readers' Choice for Best Beer Selection: Timber Wolf Pub

Readers' Choice for Best Brew Pub: Four Peaks Brewing Company

Any dive with more than one television, beer, a pool table, a Golden Tee machine and a couple of obnoxious drunks in hockey jerseys can call itself a sports bar. But to count as a really notable sports bar, there has to be something that grabs you. The Horse & Hound has a couple of things going for it. For one thing, it's freakin' enormous; the actual bar is like a figurine compared to the rest of the massive space, taken up by tables, memorabilia and more TVs than a police station property room. For another, it doubles up on the vices for its more adventurous patrons. An adjoining room serves as an off-track-betting parlor, with screens to monitor the ponies and the greyhounds (hence the Horse & Hound name). So it's not just a watering hole; it's more like a Chuck E. Cheese's for stressed adults in need of their own playground.

Readers' Choice for Best Sports Bar and Best Bar to Watch the Game: McDuffy's

The Yucca Tap Room doesn't look like much from street level. The front marquee is nearly impossible to read at night from the street, and the entrance is obscured by rows of loading docks along the Southern Avenue strip mall where it resides. Open the door and walk in, however, and the place induces delighted shivers for the unpretentious faithful. The Yucca is a relaxed, redneck dive for straw-hat-wearing lovers of roadhouse rock and country music, a one-room joint with stage in the front, a central bar and shots of whiskey the size of washtubs. Gifted Sonoran troubadour Andy Hersey performs on Wednesdays, making for an enjoyable honky-tonk night of cavorting and snorting.

Generally when Phoenicians get pissed, it's because it's 115 degrees and the seat-belt buckles are branding "GM" into their chests. Of course, back in the mother country, "pissed" means inebriated or just plain drunk. What better place to do that than the George and Dragon, where in the tradition of similarly named alehouses all over the world, you can work in a darts match, a steak and kidney pie, some fish and chips, and a Status Quo selection or two on the jukebox between pints. The pub's George and Dragon day bashes are an annual rock and bacchanalian ritual that's almost Christmas for "Blighty" and blottos alike.

But just how British is the place? Last year, Morrissey fans chose the Dragon as their after-concert meeting place to punctuate the evening's fun and drive everyone else to drink to the Smiths' canon of wonderfully miserable hits.

Readers' Choice for Best English Pub and Best English Restaurant: George and Dragon English Restaurant and Pub

Once upon a time, Angelo's Lounge must have been quite a bar. All the signs of past success are there: the dusty disco lights, a waterless fountain, woodland scene wallpaper stained gray with smoke. Customers still shoot pool and play "Ruby, Don't Take Your Love to Town" on the jukebox, but the main draw to the place is the same as it has been for three decades: Mama Lita, Angelo's 69-year-old bartender. Mama, as she prefers to be called, holds court with regulars from behind the expansive bar, shuffling down to one end to check on the television, back to the other to refill drinks or swap out ashtrays. Mama's from Greece, she'll tell you. Her husband Angelo brought her here and they ran the place together from 1973 until Angelo's health interfered. Lita's attentive and friendly, and it's her robust sense of humor that makes Angelo's Lounge a place one wants to linger -- well, that and the stiff drinks she pours.

Poor hippies. Mill Avenue used to be a place where patchouli and sage were always in the air and the irie goodwill ran wild. Now, it would be a miracle to find so much as a drum circle that wasn't broken up by the cops in five minutes. Fortunately for the city's disgruntled Deadheads, dread heads, parrot heads and maybe even a few redheads, there's the Sail Inn. This place has taken its nautical theme and run with it. The main dining area has shiplike wood paneling and a Day-Glo aquarium mural decorating the wall behind the stage. There's Phish on the jukebox and $5 beer in generous-size pitchers. And the live music that ranges from bluegrass to reggae to Grateful Dead covers to a sorta Middle Eastern-influenced group called Maruma is perfect for dancing in long twirly skirts or shaking dreadlocks to the beat.

Irish pubs in the U.S. like to brag about their "authenticity" -- Guinness on tap and a bartender in a silly cap with a pompom. Luckily, the Valley's Irish pubs are a little more true to themselves than most. For atmosphere, we'll take Fibber Magee's. The wooden floor creaks like the ships used during the potato famine; stained-glass windows advertise the homeland's beers. Penciled renditions of James Joyce and an ancient Irish bicycle sit on the walls. On packed Friday and Saturday nights, the bar offers music, mostly from bands that play traditional Irish folk tunes, i.e., the most festive drinking music on Earth. The prevailing spirit unleashes what the Irish call craic, an insatiable desire to be merry, lit and carefree.

Of course, we mean "dive" in the most affectionate sense of the word. Chez Nous is a Phoenix institution because it's so darn welcoming -- as unpretentious as it gets, and that applies to the drink prices, too. Frankly, it's impossible to bar hop once you stop by here, because you'll find no reason to venture elsewhere. It could be high noon outside, but it's always a nighttime adventure inside the dimly lighted bar. As the house band plays favorite funk hits, the minuscule dance floor gets packed with the most diverse, jubilant crowd in town. Whether you're dressed up or down, nursing a martini or knocking back beers, you'll fit right in at Chez Nous.

Readers' Choice: Chez Nous

Girls have always been about having fun. The Biz is a cornerstone of the gay community that has been housing local lesbians since '93. Live bands play from time to time, but the real draw is the DJs, who play eclectic dance music from Top 40 hits to patron requests (yes, they actually will play the song that you ask for). There's also a karaoke night and weekly drink specials to pack the house. If you want to fit in, we suggest ordering a beer served in and drunk from a mini-pitcher. If you're looking for a certain style to your woman, the Biz will definitely have her there. Always pulling in the largest and most diverse crowd, the place is also receiving a much-needed face-lift, and more rest rooms are being added. So expect a bit of change to this classic bar.

Readers' Choice: Ain't Nobody's Bizness