It’s a Monday evening in early May, business as usual at The Rogue, a dive bar on Scottsdale Road, not far from the Tempe border. The Rolling Stones’ “Paint It Black” is on the stereo, and the daytime bartender serves cheap beers to the early regulars. As if on cue,…
Boy, are a butt-load of you homos (and by homos, this plumed penman means Homo sapiens) wack! And no, The Bird ain’t talkin’ about Tom Cruise with a mouthful of placenta, or Keith Richards climbing a freaking Fiji coconut tree. Rather, this cee-gar-chompin’ nest-dweller’s squawkin’ about the nutty response to…
And if he have ten virgins given unto him by this law, he cannot commit adultery, for they belong to him, and they are given unto him; therefore is he justified. — Joseph Smith’s 1831 revelation on marriage and polygamy as currently published in the mainstream Mormon Church’s Doctrine and…
Dear Mexican, Why don’t Mexicans like being called Hispanics? Hispanic Doesn’t Make Me Panic Dear Spic, Because Mexicans aren’t Hispanic — Mexicans are Mexican. Besides, the history of “Hispanic” involves two attributes Mexicans despise: political correctness and a clueless bureaucracy. In 1975, Caspar Weinberger — then Secretary of Health, Education…
You Got Served Actually, the Wrigley wasn’t amused: Wow! That was some funny stuff you published about Chef Kaz Yamamoto (“Xtreme Cuisine,” Stephen Lemons, May 11). You had me going for a while, but lines like, “Mr. Brad Pitt, he lick plate clean,” about Mayor Phil Gordon and Marlon Brando…
The Bird’s been wondering what’s up with the rather noisy bitch fight between the queen of the philodendrons and the City of Phoenix. Word on the street is that Tera Vessel is planning to unload her hugely popular nursery, Tera’s Garden, situated in the old William Edward Cavness House at…
Jett’s run off in a corner somewhere at Mardi Gras in Scottsdale, snapping a pic of this squalie’s ass, while I’m dodging flailing arms and legs near the dance floor. On stage, there’s a bald white dude, in a flowing Middle Eastern-type shirt that reaches all the way to his…
Surely We Jest The Wrigley Mansion Does Not Cook Dogs! A recent extensive article appeared in New Times asserting that the Wrigley Mansion hosted an event that served up “unconventional” cuisine such as dog, cat, penguin and other exotic meats (“Xtreme Cuisine,” Stephen Lemons, May 11). Although the article was…
The last morning of Abigail Nicole Lahnan’s short life begins peacefully. It is March 23, 2005, a Wednesday. Abby, who was born at Phoenix Baptist Hospital on November 28, 2003, awakens in her crib across the hall from her parents, Deanna and Patrick. The young family lives in a second-story…
The warm glow of candlelight suffuses the Wrigley Mansion’s grand living room, as George Gershwin’s ghost tickles the ivories of an ancient Steinway, belting out the dulcet tones of “Rhapsody in Blue.” Seems Gershwin was a guest of chewing gum magnate William Wrigley Jr. back in the day, and recorded…
It may be a practice dating back to ancient Rome, when primitive drawings announcing “Mongo was here!” decorated the walls of caves, but The Bird says “Beware!” to local graffiti artists and taggers: Our cultural wasteland isn’t your canvas so much as a dragnet waiting to drop on your spray-paint-stained…
Paul Rubin was named Virg Hill Journalist of the Year for the third time in his 20 years as a staff writer at New Times, at the 82nd annual Arizona Press Club awards banquet, held May 6 at the Heard Museum. Sarah Fenske was honored as Virg Hill first runner-up,…
Heavy Meddle Metal is as metal does: Kudos on your column (“Heavy Issues,” Stiletto, Michele Laudig, April 27). It is simple-minded people in the local scene and even the national and international scenes that place a black mark on metal with their ignorant rants of what is deserved in their…
Arizona State University’s men’s basketball coach Rob Evans revived a program disgraced by a notorious point-shaving scandal and reached postseason play four out of his eight seasons. While winning was important, Evans’ overarching goal was to teach his players how to succeed in life. He kept close watch on his…
Who says all politicians are corrupt, dimwitted hose-bags? Not this counterfeit canary, at least not since Governor Janet Napolitano’s veto of a bill that would have made illegal immigrants subject to the state’s criminal trespassing law. (In a letter to Republican Arizona House Speaker Jim Weiers, she’s vowed to veto…
It’s near midnight on a Friday, and IO club owner David Landreville and I are chatting up this lil’ pecan-skinned spitfire we’ll call “Natalie” ’cause she didn’t want me to use her real handle, for reasons that will soon be clear. We’re parked at IO’s backlit martini bar, and Natalie’s…
Loose Lips Far out, dude: I couldn’t agree more with The Bird’s assessment of Loose Change (“Goofball Shockumentary,” April 27). I hate the Bush administration, but all these conspiracy theorists just don’t make sense. What you say about Bush and his minions not being smart enough to plan 9/11 is…
The voice wafting over the airwaves is identified only as Jen, 15. In the flat tone of someone who’s seen it all and hated every minute, Jen describes first using crystal meth as an 11-year-old. Later, while using, Jen got raped, but she didn’t report it, didn’t even seem to…
To The Bird’s great amusement, it found itself at a crowded hippie hangout in Tempe called 3 Roots Coffee the other day, watching one of the funniest comedies this proud pecker’s seen in years. Loose Change, an extremely independent film from three New York twentysomethings, wasn’t meant to be a…
County prosecutors may have to take no for an answer now that a state panel again has rejected their attempts to have a judge sanctioned for accusing them of racial bias in a burglary case involving a black man. For the second time in seven months, the Arizona Commission on…
Don’t ask why Jett flaked on me this week. Something about a free eightball and a three-way in Ahwatukee. Not that I blame her. I mean, the last three-way I was invited to involved me, myself and I, all buck nekkid in the hot tub. Talk about a tight fit!…
The Kyl File Slim pickings: I’m a longtime Republican voter, and I thought your profile of Jon Kyl was first-rate (“Stealth Zealot,” Robert Nelson, April 13). You could have taken a lot of cheap shots at the “other” senator from Arizona, but you didn’t. You only gave him the negative…
