Audio By Carbonatix
If I were ruler of our local restaurant industry, these would be my proclamations:
What We Need: A creative, attractive, fresh and substantial Sunday brunch buffet, served in quietly elegant surroundings for less than $25 per person, anywhere in the Valley.
What We Don’t Need: Another boring, bargain Sunday brunch buffet anywhere in the Valley, where value-starved guests descend like locusts to grab and gorge on watery eggs Benedict, chicken-n-sauce chafing-dish entrees, flabby bay shrimp and “continental” cheese plates.
Haven’t these people ever been fed before, the ones scrambling over my plate to spear a slab of ham? Or the gluttonous fools who fight the flow of the line to push in for a piece of prime rib? Fair warning: I will viciously defend my territory with a very sharp fork the next time some classless idiot bounces me like a bumper car in his effort to secure just one more éclair.
What We Need: Restaurant staffers with basic marketing skills.
What We Don’t Need: Restaurant staffers who can’t even answer the phone effectively. I’m tired of hearing, “Uh, steak, chicken, fish, uh, pasta, I think” when I call for menu information. I’m a potential customer. Here’s a chance to sell me on specifics (“We have a wonderful filet mignon with bleu cheese crumbles; everyone loves the chef’s signature lobster in phyllo”). Don’t let me off the phone without asking if I’d like to make a reservation.
What We Need: Honest, uncomplicated dishes now and then — a simple, juicy chicken breast with crackling roasted skin, a perfect steamed artichoke with hot drawn butter, a silky scoop of vanilla ice cream — prepared with the best ingredients, expert skill and lots of love.
What We Don’t Need: Ho-hum food, disguised with sticky, exotically named sauces and served in portions larger than the average child’s head to elicit those oohs and aahs.
What We Need: A fancy, black-tie fund raiser serving a sublime burger-n-fries, capped by a gooey fudge brownie. Keep the money for the fund, not the food.
What We Don’t Need: Another fancy fund raiser trying in vain to make seared ahi, wasabi cream and jasmine rice edible for crowds of up to 400.
What We Need: Diners who understand that restaurants are run by living people. Yes, guests are paying for the best experience, but let’s all be reasonable in our requests, shall we?
What We Don’t Need: Diners who think their table is the only one in existence. I wanted to clobber the recent guest who, no lie, got up and interrupted a tray-laden server, demanding a new cloth napkin because his was “too humid.”
Have a peasant, er, pleasant day.
