Shelf Life: Gummy pig parts

By Wynter Holden

There are a few horrible fads that I wish I could erase from my memory. Like those singing fish plaques. Furbies. Parachute pants. And this:

Somewhere along the line between Survivor, Fear Factor and the Travel Channel’s Bizarre Foods, watching other people eat disgusting, scary food became fashionable. I mean, it’s one thing to be glued to the set when some regular Joe is facing his fear of spiders or braving a 50-foot waterfall jump. That’s inspiring. But seriously, does anyone really need to watch another human being down a plate of live caterpillars?

I sighed aloud when I saw this gummy ‘pizza’ (and I use that term very loosely) with decorative pig parts in a local grocery store. As if the look of it wasn’t bad enough, this Fear Factor candy is advertised as tasting like “bacon, and other amazing flavors.” Ugh. Yes, I tried it. And worse, I suckered a friend into trying the pig liver and heart area just so I wouldn’t have to.

The sugar content was so high that I practically got buzzed, which was sadly a saving grace for this awful concoction. It had a gross, sweet bacon-y flavor tinged with what reminded me of new plastic. You know, like the way a new wrapped plastic toy smells the first time you take it out of the package. I’ll stop now before I start to throw up in my mouth a little.

I was reminded of the good old days in my fourth grade cafeteria, when I was the kid you could pay to mix pizza, soda, jell-o and mustard in one glass and take a sip. Yeah, it’s cool when you’re eight, but when you’re an adult you just look like a pig. Oink, oink.

Hey readers, what’s the grossest thing you’ve ever eaten?