We're not covering Britney Spears tonight.
Yes, we know she's been number one on Billboard's Top 200 4 times. Yes, we know she's a pop sensation that sells out arenas all over the world, but here's the rub: press access for Ms. Spears' concert tonight is $150. Press access. According to the concert promoters the Circus Tour is a "no comp tour" meaning there's no way for us to get a review without blowing 150 big ones.
As we've suddenly found ourselves with some extra time on our hands, we've decided to present you with a list of the top 5 things we'd rather blow $150 on than seeing Britney Spears in concert.
We promise we're not bitter.
5: Go to a Circus
For $150 dollars we could get primo seats at Barnum & Bailey with a few packages of peanuts and a laser sword or two. We'd enjoy an actual circus more than Britney's (her tour, not her actual life). At least when we heard the sound of monkeys screeching we'd know it was actual monkeys and not a talent-less hack.
4: Go to a Strip Club
Making it rain to the tune of $150 would buy us a great lap dance and probably a few over-priced cocktails. Yeah, we'd be paying some drunk girl to swing on a pole and grind on our junk, but at least we'd still be able to look at ourselves in the mirror the next morning.
3: Donate the $150 to Bands That Play Britney's Songs Better Than She Does
All kidding aside, Britney (read: her song writers) are responsible for some of the most well-crafted pop songs ever. Maybe that's why so many bands are quick to prove how much better they are when played by actual musicians. These artists deserve some financial compensation for making this songs listenable. We send $50 each to Franz Ferdinand for their cover of "Womanizer" Children of Bodom for their version of "Oops! I Did It Again" and Travis for their acoustic version of "Hit Me Baby One More Time."
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2: Listen to Any Other Artist Created by the Walt Disney Company
Resale Concert Tickets
Ther Phoenix Symphony: Matthew Kasper - Handel's Messiah
Friday, Dec. 13, 2019 / 7:30pm @ Mesa Arts Center - Ikeda Theater 1 East Main Street Mesa AZ 852011 East Main Street, Mesa AZ 85201
Don't get us wrong. We understand that most of the "music" produced by the Walt Disney company is the kind of schlock that will cause instantaneous bleeding from the ears of anyone who isn't under 12 years old, but the pain and suffering we'd feel at the hands of the Christina Agulera or even Hilary "Lizzie Mcguire" Duff. Unlike Britney, a few former Disney drones went on to leave their bubble gum behind and transform with the times. We're not naming names. Let's just say that if Britney's upset about this top 5 list, she can "Cry Me A River."
1: Purchase a Strait Jacket
You know, for our shaved-head, British accent phase