Music News

Financial Wizard of Ozzfest

OZZFEST IS FREE THIS SUMMER! As the words tolled out over the alkali flats, the rejoicing hordes of twitching, gibbering headbangers nearly swept away the bricks and mortar of our fair nation. Thousands of angry white men went into spasms on guitar showroom floors as police reported an unprecedented outbreak of annoyed yawns from everyone else. Meanwhile, Internet forums lit up like pinball machines with fanciful talk of exorbitant parking fees and $9 beers.

So it's free: Now, Ozzfest fans have a dilemma — namely, a wad of spare cash that should have gone toward the price of admission. In the interest of helping addled metalheads everywhere deal with their equivalent of a heavy metal tax refund, here are some goods and services that may be worth purchasing instead.

Personal hygiene services
The essential first on any self-respecting metalhead's to-do list. The "face-melting" guitar licks of Ozzfest's finest will seem even more ridiculous than they already are after the real face-melting experience of a nice seaweed-wrap facial and mud bath. Kiss those blackheads goodbye; you won't need them where you're going.

Scandinavian broadsword polish
Nothing is more embarrassing than showing an Internet love interest your collection of black steel hand-to-hand combat weapons that you bought off eBay and realizing that you got Cheetos grease all over them when you were posing in front of the mirror the night before. No need to use that nearby wizard robe; a clean diaper will work for wiping it down.

An expanded record collection: Bee Gees, Beach Boys, Simon and Garfunkel
Like a child discovering the rich field of pop-up literature, you will thrill at the depth and dimension music will obtain from the addition of melody, harmony, and non-double-kick bass drums.

Sesame Street on DVD
Many Ozzfest fans have dreams of one day fronting their own metal bands. If you really want to unleash the darkest ruminations of your lead-singer soul, you must hone your vocal technique by studying the trailblazing idol of the modern metal-singer community — yes, that gluttonous wild card who never seems to receive credit, Cookie Monster.

Clay pigeons for your local rock writer
Please, metal fans, treat your local rock writer to some target practice. If he ever hopes to honor the good name of a critic (ha!), he may need to be able to hit something other than fish in a barrel.

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Matthew Neff