No matter how many times you've stated the contrary, you will more than likely find yourself on a black buoyant tube floating along Salt River's murky waters this summer. You will drink copious amounts of alcohol, forget to apply sun block on at least 13 percent of your body, and you will lose at least one shoe. There's no way around it. It's a statistical inevitability.
Well, what if God had installed Wi-Fi speakers in all of us and you could rock your own soundtrack anywhere you went? Would it make tubing worth while again? We think so.
5. "Hash Pipe" by Weezer
The driving riff of this song is the right amount of aggression to start the trip out to the river. It even sounds like you're chilling at Santa Monica pier. You've got the windows down, you're bobbing your head, and you're snarling right along with singer Rivers Cuomo. You're gonna do some damage today.
: Still pumped from the drive in and the beer you shot gunned, the first jab to all of that built up optimism is thrown when you take that first step off of the cattle bus. Cue Tom Waits. His gritty voice is reminiscent of all those tiny granules of stone that will eventually be embedded into some part of your body. You survey the rocky terrain ahead of you, looking for the path of least resistance, and push through just like the beat of this tune.
3. "Bon, Bon" by Pitbull
The big payoff. You've floundered around in knee high goop trying your best to play Boy Scout with pieces of twine, and you are now ready to relax and start throwing them back "for reals." This internationally inspired track provides the energy boost you need to get your shake on. Nobody gets a party started like Mr. Worldwide.
2. "She Rides" by Danzig
Now that inhibitions are out the window, it's time to let loose. James King reported last month how lovely ladies of the pole are able to take their act out of stuffy strip clubs and onto the river. If floating stripper poles are going to be used, Danzig needs to be standing on top of some cliff side singing, "She'll take you down/She'll take you /She'll take you around." (Video NSFW)
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1. "Welcome to the Jungle" by Guns N' Roses
By now, two hours have passed and at least one case of beer (along with other boozy concoctions) have been downed. It's been a great ride so far, but now the Arizona sun is having her way with you and there's no turning back. None of that matters now. You came to party, after all. So embrace the pain, because you know where you are? You're on the river, baby.