Music News

Getting Personal

Ah, Valentine's Day -- that one day a year when you can say, "Baby, I love you as much as a diamond pendant from Zales." Or, if you're one of the unlucky ones, that one day a year when the loneliness actually gets worse. That's because finding love ain't as easy as the movies make it seem. Hell, even rock stars have to turn to the Internet to get laid these days. A few forlorn schmucks shared what they were looking for, just in case there was someone out there reading.

"SPRD (single punk rock dude) seeks leather and spikes counterpart. Hobbies include drinking, making old people and mall security guards nervous, and smashing the imperialistic state. I'm into tattered clothes, outrageous hair, obnoxious behavior, and blaming the government for my lack of employment opportunities. If I sound like the guy for you, call 888-8889. But not after 10, 'cause my mom goes to bed kinda early." -- Tripp Underwood (The Unseen)

"I'm Shawn. I play in a band called The Matches. If you really are a cute girl and not an ex-trucker sitting in your skivvies, posing under the aegis of a scanned JC Penney's underwear model, planning to rendezvous, beat me up, and nick my wallet, that's a plus. I like dark hair and long legs (but not in conjunction), Jolie lips, vegan is plus, and, uh, Herpes Simplex B is ok. Oral. Don't trip, like 70% of people have it. I have a Valtrex sponsorship and will hook you up." -- Shawn Harris (The Matches)

"My name is Aaron Stern and I like back tickling, beer pong and gangsta mix dance parties on tour buses only. I need a girl to show me lots of affection so I can feel wanted all the time, someone passionate with goals in life. Did I mention she has to be a rad chef, too? I ain't ordering out no WacDonald's five days a week. Oh, and drummers bang better, so look out!" -- Aaron Stern (Matchbook Romance)

"Hi, my name is Simi. I like long walks in the woods, help with my koi pond, boys who eat bacon, and guys that know how to rosin my bow. Must love soup." -- Simi Sernaker (Suffrajett)

"Hello, I'm MC Lars and I'm a white rapper from California who likes reading 19th-century literature and writing songs about it, deflating superficial and over-the-top music trends, and composing music on my computer. I'm looking for a girl who can handle my post-punk laptop rap in the best way possible. Must enjoy post-modern musical hybrids and be familiar with Reason 3.0 and ProTools. Public Enemy fans are a plus." -- MC Lars

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Cole Haddon