October 20, 2011 | 8:30am
Parrotheads, I imagine, are usually tied to desk jobs and family life, and getting the opportunity to dress like a total asshole is pretty fun and exciting when you think about it as a sort of release. Or maybe they're just old hippies. Either way, everyone is sneaking weed into the venue.
The point is, tonight's Buffett concert is the one event you'll ever be able to pull off such gaudy garb. Here's your step-by-step guide to dressing like a Parrothead.
Get a big, stupid hat
This will be the main focal point of your big, stupid outfit. A big, stupid hat (such as the one sported by the literal Parrothead on the right) tells the rest of the concertgoers that you take your beachy country rock seriously. Also, that you haven't had attention ever since you packed on those last 20 pounds. Everyone loves a funny fat guy! Parrot hat it is!
That's "jean shorts," for those who aren't hip to the lingo. Jorts are a crucial building block of any Jimmy Buffett fan. First of all, you're not going to go bare-assed under a hula skirt, are you? (We'll talk about the skirt later.) Well, who knows by the end of the night, but if you want to play it classy, jorts are always the way to go.
Parrotheads just don't give a shit. Neither do people who wear Crocs. The point of a Jimmy Buffett show isn't to have respect for yourself, so Croc it up while you have the opportunity.
Yet another grass product to add to the "to buy" list.
More accurately, a "Hawaiian-style" shirt, packed with logos of your favorite watery beer or American car brand.
Three is tasteful. Four is just tacky.
Fanny pack (optional)
Encouraged but not necessary, fanny packs really accentuate the groin area. Also, security will be too afraid to frisk you. We're not saying you should bring pot to the concert in your fanny pack, but you totally could. But we're not saying that. But seriously, how easy would that be?
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