I met Fabio at a Phoenix grocery store and still have a touch of regret

The year was 2012. I was a cashier at the magical wonderland that is Whole Foods Market. It was Sunday, but not an ordinary Sunday. While many spent their day at church, we at Whole Foods got to lay our eyes on the real god: Fabio Lanzoni.

Why would the man who put I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter on the map waste his time on us? The reason for this blessing was five words: Healthy Planet Nutrition protein powder. Not only did Fabio create this product for us mortals, but he also went on a Whole Foods meet-and-greet tour to spread the news. 

On this Sunday in Paradise Valley, people lined up to share a few words and get a picture with the romance novel cover mega-star. I had informed the late local icon Space Alien Donald about the event, and he met me at Whole Foods so that we could get a Fabio family photo.

I brought my banjo and my “Dungeons and Dragons Version 3.5 Player’s Handbook” as props for the occasion. My reasons for doing so likely had to do with a subconscious desire to be quirky and interesting — a manic pixie dream dude.

Upon seeing the banjo, Fabio smiled and asked, “Are you going to play us a song?” I don’t remember how I responded, but if I know myself, I probably just silently stared at him. 

What I wish I had done was take that opportunity to say, “Well, I hear you’ve made some jams yourself!” I had learned this fact days prior while researching Fabio in preparation for this historic meeting. On his way out of the store, Fabio had graciously posed for more photos with the Whole Foods staff, and I had plenty of time to go up and attempt this conversation again. But other than pointing out something he already knew — that he had made an album — what else would I have said? 

When discussing his artistic output with Al Roker on The Today Show, Fabio shared this philosophy: “Music is probably the best way to express romance … everything is so negative, I think people should bring more positive things to the world.” And thus he released “Fabio After Dark.” As far as whether it’s a positive thing to have brought to the world, it at least didn’t seem to bring harm, and that’s pretty good for the ’90s. 

Scotti Bros Records released “Fabio After Dark” in 1993. Before they went under in 1997, the label may have been best known for releasing every Weird Al album up to that point. They brought in Richie Wise as producer, figuring that the tricks he employed on the first two Kiss records would serve this project well. As a whole, it’s less a proper Fabio creation than it is a romantic mix CD with him doing spoken word in between. Dionne Warwick, Kenny G and Barry White are a few of the artists who contributed previously recorded releases to this audio lust-a-thon. But who gives a damn about any of those people? The obvious star of the show is the man himself, who speaks his thoughts on a wide variety of topics, and he magically relates them all to intercourse.

It’s fitting that Fabio would begin the album with a manifesto such as “Fabio: About Romance.”

His first statements are as follows: “Bonjourno, I’m Fabio,” and “I’m very interested in what makes romance work.” He goes on to discuss the importance of music in the equation. “When I play a special song,” he explains, “it’s very important because it can express what I feel so perfectly. A song can speak for me when I cannot put my feelings into words.”

Did he mean to make something so meta by performing a song about his feelings about playing a song about his feelings? I’ll never know, though I could’ve asked him, and I didn’t. 

The deeper I get into these compositions, the more I understand why so many affection-deprived people swooned over Fabio. In “Fabio: On Inner Beauty,” he describes looking into his love interest’s eyes to see her tenderness and passion, then states, “I’d love to take her any place where I can devote all my attention to her.” This makes me think back to my pre-teen years, when uncles and cousins informed me that it was relationship suicide to let someone know how much you liked them. TV shows and movies also reinforced this narrative. Yet here was Fabio, telling this macho ideal to go fuck itself, and he got more action than all my uncles and cousins combined. 

The rest of “Fabio After Dark” doesn’t stray far from the theme of him really liking someone and wanting to make that person feel important and titillated. As you may have guessed from the first two titles, his tracks are all “Fabio: On/About ______________,” as if it was a philosophy book.

Topics include films (“I wish there were more romantic films, because romantic films can lead to beautiful adventures after we leave the theater”), humor (“She can seduce me with her laughter”) and surprises (“I like nothing more than to surprise my lady with a plane ticket and a toothbrush and her bikini”). He coasts on the spoken word format, knowing full well that seductive speech is his meal ticket. 

There are nine Fabio tunes total, and three backing tracks that alternate throughout. The first three tunes use the same backing track before he decides to start switching it up. It’s the same one he uses for the only number he sings, “When Somebody Loves Somebody.” He only gives us a taste during the chorus, and it’s still pretty close to speaking, as he lets the female backing vocalists do most of the vocal lifting. But hey, Fabio knows what’s Fabio, and his singing is still very Fabio. 

Because this is a cruel world and there is no god, “Fabio After Dark” is out of print. This makes sense, as it’s not as if it was made to be a timeless piece of work. Today, Fabio is way more known for an infamous goose incident than for his music. He’s been out of the spotlight in recent times, letting his 1,300 novel covers and this album speak for him.

He and I have both moved on from Whole Foods, but we’ll always have that fateful Sunday in 2012. I think he would’ve appreciated me bringing up “Fabio After Dark.” Maybe we would’ve had a good laugh about it. After all, he loves humor.