It's Not, but It Oughtta Be

The dorks in Illegal Substance The other afternoon I was sitting in one of my local watering holes and the B-52's "Rock Lobster" came on the satellite radio. I had to walk outside; that song and its ilk turn my stomach and make me puke a little bit in my...

By Brendan Kelley

February 5, 2007

[
        {
          "name": "Air - MediumRectangle - Inline Content - Mobile Display Size",
          "component": "18478561",
          "insertPoint": "2",
          "requiredCountToDisplay": "2"
        },{
          "name": "Editor Picks",
          "component": "16759093",
          "insertPoint": "4",
          "requiredCountToDisplay": "1"
        },{
          "name": "Inline Links",
          "component": "17980324",
          "insertPoint": "8th",
          "startingPoint": 8,
          "requiredCountToDisplay": "7",
          "maxInsertions": 25
        },{
          "name": "Air - MediumRectangle - Combo - Inline Content",
          "component": "16759092",
          "insertPoint": "8th",
          "startingPoint": 8,
          "requiredCountToDisplay": "7",
          "maxInsertions": 25
        },{
          "name": "Inline Links",
          "component": "17980324",
          "insertPoint": "8th",
          "startingPoint": 12,
          "requiredCountToDisplay": "11",
          "maxInsertions": 24
        },{
          "name": "Air - Leaderboard Tower - Combo - Inline Content",
          "component": "16759094",
          "insertPoint": "8th",
          "startingPoint": 12,
          "requiredCountToDisplay": "11",
          "maxInsertions": 24
        }
      ]

The dorks in Illegal Substance

The other afternoon I was sitting in one of my local watering holes and the B-52's "Rock Lobster" came on the satellite radio. I had to walk outside; that song and its ilk turn my stomach and make me puke a little bit in my mouth. Seems like I thought it was kind of clever back in my junior high days (much like the Violent Femmes seemed, and later the Beastie Boys' License to Ill). As an adult (or at least an adult on-paper, not necessarily behaviorally defined), I feel silly-ass songs like those ought to be relegated to some PG-13 version of Radio Disney.

I bring this up because I'm listening to the latest album by local goofballs Illegal Substance, entitled Bachelor Party. Quite frankly, this band is like the Wiggles for the barely-teen set that wear sideways baseball caps and whose back jean pockets sweep the floor of the mall while they're cruising. Maybe if we were in some backwater, meth-infested, one-Wal-Mart town in backwater Florida, this would be something for the kids to get excited about. But if this is the sort of shit you want to hear then revert back to your Licensed to Ill or Bloodhound Gang, or Insane Clown Posse records, or if you wanna be tough, Slipknot. Common denominator being, it's all stupid as fuck.

The music and beats don't do anything to compensate for the sophomoric raps either. It's electro-influenced, please-won't-you-dance-to-us? sort of bullshit that belongs in Martini Ranch with its Punk Rock Nation, Metalhead, and Shirley's Temple cover bands (though I will give Illegal Substance this, it writes its own songs [as far as I can tell]).

Just check the song titles and there's not a hell of a lot else to learn about what these self-described "Teen Beat rejects": "Banana Song," "Jordache," "Bar Fight," "Do Them Thangs..."

The bio that the band sent lists a plethora of licensing and placement deals that its pulled off, but they fail to impress as well — a track on Real World Paris, a few video games (including Backyard Wrestling 2!!), and some D-list teenie-bop movies ("I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer," anyone?)

In the spirit of democracy, and allowing the band's army of party people to spit vitriol back at me, here's a couple of songs for you. Just please, don't play them in my presence.

"Panty Raid": http://media.newtimes.com/id/522456/

"Totally Pauly": http://media.newtimes.com/id/522457/

KEEP NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Phoenix, and we'd like to keep it that way. Your membership allows us to continue offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food, and culture with no paywalls. You can support us by joining as a member for as little as $1.