Make America Play With Snakes Again: Alice Cooper Is Running For President

Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Phoenix and help keep the future of New Times free.

An Arizona (by way of Michigan) candidate has not only thrown their top hat into the U.S. presidential election, but also the British Prime Minister race, and is running on one of the more unique platforms ever. 

That's right, Alice Cooper, shock rocker extraordinaire and guillotine proponent, has launched a website, www.votealicecooper.com, to announce his dual candidacy (although we're not entirely sure he's a viable candidate in the U.K., especially since our colonial stepfathers already have a new prime minister). His excellent tagline is one of the more honest ones in global political history: "A Troubled Man for Troubled Times," and the T-shirts interested voters can order read "Make America Sick Again." 

Hopefully, all of the proceeds from his "exclusive" campaign packs which are available on the site go towards either a great charity or even better, his actual campaign. Say what you will about Cooper, but wouldn't he be a better candidate than Clinton or Trump? We might be a tad partial to local music heroes, but Cooper is also a pretty good guy and does more in the community than most people realize.

The website also lists 10 pretty awesome parts to his "Manifesto." These are:

1. Getting Brian Johnson back in AC/DC
2. A snake in every pot
3. No more pencils, no more books
4. Adding Lemmy to Mount Rushmore
5. Rename Big Ben "Big Lemmy"
6. Groucho Marx on the $50 bill
7. Peter Sellers on the £20 note
8. Cup holders required for every airplane seat
9. Ban on talking during movies in movie theaters
10. Ban on taking selfies, except on a designated National Selfie Day

Longtime Cooper fans will note a nod to one of Cooper's most famous songs in number three, but we'd also love to see Lemmy (Kilmister, late bass player of Motorhead) on Mount Rushmore. Cooper clearly underestimates the power of the selfie, though, and as a budding politician should probably re-think his stance on number 10 in his manifesto.

Considering recent events from the Republican National Convention, it would also be very interesting to see what (or whose) speech Cooper's wife, Sheryl Goddard, might deliver if called upon to speak on behalf of her husband.

At the present time, Cooper was unavailable to comment on his candidacy, but his website does have a link to his 1972 song "Elected," and his lyrics from 44 years ago continue to resonate with political ideals that are still sadly lacking to this day.

"I'm your top prime cut of meat, I'm your choice/ I wanna be elected,
I'm your yankee doodle dandy in a gold Rolls Royce/ I wanna be elected,
Kids want a savior, don't need a fake/ I wanna be elected,
We're gonna rock to the rules that I make/I wanna be elected, elected, elected."

We wish Cooper luck in his election efforts. Hopefully, some of the other candidates are listening to, at very least, a few of his messages. We definitely don't need another "Fake," and we'd all do well to feel "Respected" by even a small part of the political process. Perhaps he can make it an all-Arizona ticket and convinced Hub Kapp to run with him.

Keep Phoenix New Times Free... Since we started Phoenix New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Phoenix, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Phoenix with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Phoenix.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Phoenix.