Oh, God, Miley Cyrus Is Coming to Phoenix

PHOENIX, AZ: 2 AMC. Some of the elders still remember the Beforetimes. They claim not to, especially to the guards, but I see it in their faces when they're alone together. They remember life before Miley Cyrus came to Phoenix.

When they're alone -- after work and before the Two Minute Sext -- I watch them put their tongues back into their mouths and talk about their old jobs. The Bathroom Attendant says he was a doctor, once. The Sexy Pizza Guy was a teacher. The Foreman of the Ball Crew I'm with -- jeesh 4777, out in the Scottsdale quadrant -- says he used to do the same job, only inside the crane.

Now he rides the wrecking ball, and he keeps his hate bottled up. We all do. In his quarters, in a corner the cameras don't quite see, he's been fashioning a forbidden article out of cotton balls he sneaks from surplus Oxy bottles. They cover his legs and block the RFID tag on his inner thigh. "They're pantz," he told me, once. He was drunk, and talkative. "We wore them over our dongz. Before the Bangerz came."

I was only a child, then, but I've taken it upon myself to become the historian. When I can get through the porn filters at the library, and get to the part of the internet that isn't porn, I read more about pants, and doctors, and the way people behaved when they didn't have to take their molly ration if they didn't want to.

The Foreman knows, I think. I talk to him a lot now, because I know the Bangerz will take him soon. He's gotten careless; he's lost the will to lie. Perhaps he remembers too much. "I suppose someone has to know," he tells me. We're at Thicke's Place, at a table in the back.

"The Coliseum -- we used to call it US Airways Center -- it's where her forcez first landed. February 27, 2014 . . . Day 1, AMC. The press told us we were overreacting. They thought people were sublimating all their discontentz with contemporary pop culture into an exaggerated distaste for one huge pop star.

"Sure, it sounded magnanimous then. It soundz good to say that people should complain about the conditionz that lead to Miley Cyrus, and not just Miley herself. Fat lot of good it did them, though. First against the wall when she deposed the mayor."

He starts to speak again, but then his eyes go wide and he bites down hard on his tongue. Blood mixes with glitter as it streaks down his chin. The Bangerz are here, but we can't stop.

More information about the show on Page 2 Read More: Top 5 Most Disturbing Things About Miley Cyrus' "Wrecking Ball" Music Video

Global superstar Miley Cyrus announced today the details behind her BANGERZ TOUR. The highly anticipated tour, produced and promoted by Live Nation, kicks off on Valentine's Day February 14, 2014 in Vancouver, BC at Pepsi Live @ Rogers Arena and will visit 38 cities throughout the United States and Canada including Phoenix on Thursday, February 27th at US Airways Center. The show is scheduled to begin at 7pm with soon to be announced special guests. Tickets go on sale starting Saturday, November 16 at 10am at Live Nation.

American Express® Card Members can purchase tickets before the general public beginning Tuesday, November 12 at 10 AM local time through Friday, November 15 at 10 PM local time. Fans will have additional opportunities to purchase tickets early by signing up for a Facebook RSVP at http://bit.ly/_MileyRSVP. Tickets for the general public go on sale Saturday, November 16.

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