Music News

On Keeping Kidman

Actors and actresses have a long history of falling for musicians. But, generally, those musicians are rock stars, sexually ambiguous pop stars, and members (or former members) of boy bands. Country stars used to rank on the "cool list," below white rappers but higher than reality show music competition winners. These days, though, it's become an outright trend, with Renée Zellweger marrying and quickly annulling her marriage to Kenny Chesney, Drea de Matteo getting herself knocked up by Shooter Jennings, Pamela Anderson marrying and divorcing country wanna-be Kid Rock, and, of course, Nicole Kidman marrying Keith Urban.

With Urban about to hit Phoenix almost a year into his marriage to screen goddess and fellow Aussie Kidman, we at New Times thought it would be a good time to help him look past the Hollywood-loves-Nashville trend that probably drew Kidman to him in the first place and, ultimately, find a way to make their marriage stick.

Tip No. 1: Don't be gay. If you are, stop. We're not saying Tom was gay, but Nicole had to deal with a lot for a decade there and, well, she needs a man now. In other words, don't pull a Kenny Chesney, who we're not saying is gay, either — because that would be libelous — but Renée Zellweger certainly felt that their relationship was a little fraudulent.

Tip No. 2: Don't hang out with porn stars. To be fair, Pamela Anderson should have expected as much when she married Kid Rock.

Tip No. 3: Don't be crazy. After Dean Cain dated Mindy McCready, there was nary a word about how crazy she turned out to be, but we know he was just being a gentleman by not bringing it up. Seriously, check out the list of charges and allegations against her over the past three years — drug overdoses, suicide attempts, automobile theft, and maybe even kidnapping someone. Cuckoo.

Tip No. 4: Do drugs as a couple. It works for Shooter Jennings and Drea de Matteo. Then again, you've been sober for seven months now. Maybe this one isn't such a good idea after all.

Tip No. 5: Don't be weird. Julia Roberts ran into this problem when she married Lyle Lovett in 1993 and, for two years, she had to endure the press, her family and friends, and people on the street saying she obviously didn't marry her man for his looks. You probably don't have to worry about this, though, because you make Tom look like a hobbit by comparison.

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Cole Haddon