Hey, could you put your phone down? We need to talk.
You snap-happy, concertgoing a-holes are making the lives of others miserable by lifting your huge, brightness-all-the-way-up iPhones to document entire performances for Snapchat. At first, I let it slide. It seemed like a fad that would die out.
Yet, here we are, still experiencing this Snapchat-fueled insanity.
Thing is, I wouldn't mind if this happened once or even twice, or if you snapped just your favorite song, or if you took a couple of photos. But what we are dealing with here is something far more annoying: people who have come to a concert not to watch it, but to make sure they capture it from beginning to end to prove to five other people that they were actually out doing something on Saturday night.
Picture this: I arrive at The Van Buren excited to fully relive my high school angst at a PVRIS concert — only to realize five minutes into the set that you people in front of me insist on broadcasting the entire show via Snapchat for absolutely nobody to watch. Not only is this annoying in and of itself, but I am a small person. And I didn't pay money to watch a concert secondhand through your phone.
If you think that there's nothing wrong with the above situation, this letter is for you. This isn't for the casual photo takers or the post-concert Instagram selfie lovers. It's for those of you who seem to think you might actually die if you don’t Snapchat your every movement.
Yes, we all look real cute with the flower crown filter, but I have a few questions.
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First off, who exactly is watching these videos? Do you go home and rewatch your hourlong story multiple times before it disappears in 24 hours, reminiscing about the wonderful time you had at that concert? I'd hope so, considering you weren't paying attention to the show while you were actually there. And yet you hold
Wait, is it literally your job?
Cool. Didn't think so. That's why I need to break some news to you: Your “followers” don’t give a shit.
They most likely tap right past that Iliad of a Snapchat story without a second thought. When your precious 160-second snap story reaches its final destination to your followers' story feed, it disappears within 24 hours without ever being watched. Poof. Gone. Forgotten. Probably because no one wants to watch a video that is a shaky, grainy mess with shitty audio that makes pretty much everything sound like Pitbull in a blender.
Is the quality of the picture somehow better on your retina screen than it is in reality? I mean, I get it, you just dropped $999 on the latest phone with a camera that boasts a super-retina display. You wanna see what it can do.
But you also just spent $50 on a concert ticket just to watch the band play through a screen. Why the hell did you even come?
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I came to a concert to dance and move and enjoy the music. But I'm the bad guy when I accidentally bump into you, screwing up your otherwise perfect concert footage and/or oh-so-precious selfie with your BFF? Fuck you.
Get your picture and be done with it. Take a quick video of your favorite part of your favorite song and call it good. That’s all I ask. And after that? It's pretty simple. Just keep your phone in your pocket.
Everyone around you at the concert