R. Kelly Wants to Make 32 More "Trapped in The Closet" Chapters; Why This Needs to Happen

Immoral rapper/lyrical genius R. Kelly is itching to keep his famous hip-hopera going. I don't know what he spends his money on, how much he's making these days, or how much it costs to produce an hour-plus music video. In any case, R. Kelly is seeking investors to fund 32 more chapters of "Trapped in the Closet."

I know what you're saying: "Fifty-four chapters of 'Trapped in the Closet' would be unnecessary."

Well, unless you've written a series of narrative songs as good as Kelly's, you're not essential to this argument.

Check out five reasons why the production of 32 more chapters would be scandalous, freaky and absolutely awesome after the jump...

5. Just think of all of the things an investor would be supporting by funding the continuation of "Trapped in the Closet:" an end to Pimp Luscious' pimping, a new wig for Cathy, and maybe even a cure for Big Man's asthma. Who knows?

4. I would be down for finding out what Sylvester's plan is with Joey and how Twan settles his issues with Tina. Most of all I want to know what happens to the pastor, who we've been informed has "the package." Chuck said he'd call reporters and tell them about Rufus having contracted "the package," but the word got out too soon when Randolph, the janitor at Rufus's church, told his big-mouth wife Rosie the nosy neighbor, who proceeded to tell the entire community. Do Rufus and Kathy make peace when she finds out her husband has "the package," or do the issues with her and Rufus and Chuck persist nevertheless?

3. I heard that consistent use of a first and/or third person narrative might be instated if there is enough money. Because that sure would be nice...

2. Will certain characters come back into the picture? Perhaps James, the cop, will try to prevent a crime and end up getting shot, leaving Gwen, Cathy and Sylvester stunned. Meanwhile, we've been left wondering whether or not Chuck, who's in the hospital, is going to survive.

1. Nobody has died yet. R. Kelly has used all of the other plot tricks he had up his sleeve, so it's almost a sure thing that someone has got to go at some point in the next 32 chapters.

Follow us on Twitter and friend us on Facebook

KEEP PHOENIX NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Phoenix New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Phoenix, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Lenni Rosenblum