January 21, 2009 | 9:15am
The home of Rice-A-Roni, the Golden Gate Bridge and a bevy of fabulous gays was host to the third night of pre-Hollywood American Idol auditions, and can we agree on one thing right off the bat? Yes, yes, there was the excitement of the Inauguration, but isn't it really Akilah Askew-Gholston's AI audition that really defined our collective weeks?
The skunk-colored braids and highwater pants held up with giant suspenders were bad enough, but horrible clothing can be forgiven if you've got the pipes to make us forget about how you look. But when you have to bring a gospel singer's handbook, complete with anatomical drawings depicting how your voice should move through your body, we already know you're going to suck, even if you don't.
So yes, her audition was horrible, but who can be mad at a girl who pronounces the word "trachea" with a soft c, uses the word "acapellaly," and of course, the piece d' resistance, tells the judges her voice "came out of the wrong rectum" when her audition didn't go as well as she'd planned. Will someone please get this girl her own show (that, to be clear, doesn't involve singing in any way, shape or form)?
We laughed when "failed entrepreneur" Dean Anthony Bradford rolled in to his audition wearing a jacket it looked like he had just plucked from the Dumpster outside. His audition was awful, but he made it worse when, after the judges asked him if his hair color was natural, he responded with "The curtain matches the drapes." Ick.
We cried during Kai Kalama's touching backstory about how his music has taken a backseat to taking care of his sick mom. He's one of those hot, sensitive, talented guys who you pretty much know is going to make it into the Top 10. I'm in love with him, and I can't imagine I'm alone (much to my disappointment). All he wants to do is buy a freaking house for his mother, people! Listen to a couple of tracks from Kai's old band, Off White, here.
We busted out our jazz hands during Adam Lambert's rendition of "Bohemian Rhapsody". The Wicked cast member had an awesome voice, but was so over-the-top theatrical that I kept expecting dudes dressed up like cats to pop out behind him and serve as his backup singers.
We wanted to cut a bitch during Tatiana del Toro's annoying audition. One of those auditioners who keeps singing even when the judges tell her to shut the eff up, she somehow made it to Hollywood, which made me want to punch my television (did I mention AI turns me into a violent maniac?). The laugh, the dress--it was all enough to make me want to strangle Seadouche (I know he didn't have anything to do with it, but he seems like he'd bounce back pretty quickly from a good strangling). A search of Tatiana's name returned this awesome looking piece of crap, a movie she stars in called Star Walkers.
All in all, 12 people got tickets to Hollywood, and I found the father of my children. A pretty successful evening, all in all.