To: New Employees
From: Emo-Rock Headquarters
Date: July 16, 1999
Subject: Corporate Guidelines
With all of the recent hires, we thought it would be prudent to review some essential company guidelines:
Your band name must include a day, a month, or a season. Please note that "Thursday" is taken, but you're welcome to go with something like "The Thursday Capitulation." Our research department highly recommends the use of "Sunday" and/or "Indian Summer."
Please leave the resonant singing voices at home -- we require a thin, high-pitched whine. You're welcome to offset this with screams/shouts from a second vocalist, but nothing too blood-curdling.
Attire-wise, hoodies, ringer tees, and Dickies-style clothing are all preferred -- the more you look like a gas station attendant, the better.
Guitarists -- we encourage angularity, but don't be afraid of standard melodies and hooks. Now is not the time to be too arty or adventurous.
The more angsty and confessional your songs, the better. Don't worry too much about lyrically lashing out at the girls who've hurt you -- females will still come to your shows and sing along to every word. Stick to these guidelines and you're certain to rise quickly up the corporate ladder!