To: New Employees
From: Emo-Rock Headquarters
Date: July 16, 1999
Subject: Corporate Guidelines
With all of the recent hires, we thought it would be prudent to review some essential company guidelines:
• Your band name must include a day, a month, or a season. Please note that "Thursday" is taken, but you're welcome to go with something like "The Thursday Capitulation." Our research department highly recommends the use of "Sunday" and/or "Indian Summer."
• Please leave the resonant singing voices at home -- we require a thin, high-pitched whine. You're welcome to offset this with screams/shouts from a second vocalist, but nothing too blood-curdling.
• Attire-wise, hoodies, ringer tees, and Dickies-style clothing are all preferred -- the more you look like a gas station attendant, the better.
• Guitarists -- we encourage angularity, but don't be afraid of standard melodies and hooks. Now is not the time to be too arty or adventurous.
• The more angsty and confessional your songs, the better. Don't worry too much about lyrically lashing out at the girls who've hurt you -- females will still come to your shows and sing along to every word. Stick to these guidelines and you're certain to rise quickly up the corporate ladder!
