Is Ted Nugent More Patriotic Than Captain America?

If the folks at Marvel really wanted to set the Hollywood world on fire, they should just announce that Ted Nugent will be taking over as Captain America when Chris Evans’s contract is up. There’s a headline for you: “Nugent Assumes Greatest Role Yet: Captain America.” Can you even imagine how quickly the folks in La La Land would begin convulsing? There would be mass hysteria after the youth of America learned about the 'Nuge (because luckily, most of the kids who love super hero movies have no clue). There would be simultaneous bouts of projectile vomiting and pants-shitting across the blue states and tears of joy and shouts of “Fuck yeah, 'Murica!” in the red ones.

While Nugent would be more aptly named the Red, White, and Blue Arrow than Captain America due to his proclivity for killing wild animals during his frequent bow-hunting trips, his shield would be made entirely of amalgamated bullshit (which to people like Nugent is stronger than the Black Panther’s beloved vibranium). Truly, there would be no better casting for the commoners of Trump's America to rally around as Marvel moves into its next phase after the Thanos story plays out for the Avengers next year.

Ted Nugent. With Divided Minds. 7 p.m., Sunday, August 5, at Celebrity Theatre, 440 North 32nd Street; celebritytheatre.com. Tickets are $107 and up at eventticketscenter.com.

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