Concert Review

The 6 Stages of Attempting to Enter Coachella

Let's get one thing straight: If you were one of the 75,000 or so people who attempted to get into Coachella on Friday, you were frustrated. In fact, chances are you were probably also tired, hot and certainly waiting in a long line either in your car or on your feet.

Several folks in line mentioned that this is the most disorganized they'd seen the festival. As we were also trapped with the gathering masses of humanity, we at New Times were able to recognize the following stages the human psyche went through in attempting to enter Coachella 2010.

1. Denial Hold up! There's no way that amorphous mass of people forming a mob in front of the main gate is the line to get in. No way. That's like so many people!

2. Excitement Oh well, at least we're here and we just moved six inches! Six inches closer to awesome band goodness. I can't wait to see Them Crooked Vultures. Coachella's going to be so great!

3. Frustration This is bullshit! I'm not sure if I'm moving forward or if the gate is moving further away. And why are all these people here? I'm surrounded on all sides with nowhere to go. This sucks. Jay-Z better do all the songs I want to hear or this is just not going to be worth it.

4. Thinking You Can Do Security's Job Better Than They Can Whoa, Mr. Security Guy. Do not tell me to get in a line. Line's clearly are not working here. Why didn't you have all 75,000 guests stagger their arrival times and proceed to the venue by way of a complex system of tubes? God that would have been so much easier!

5. Wanting to Punch the High School Girl You Are Stuck In Front Of In the Face Like OMG, guys! I literally have so much homework to do this weekend.

6. Finally In Ridiculously-priced pizza slices? Merch tents for miles? Ridiculously crowded death traps in front of every stage? Coachella be praised! Anything to escape the soul-crushing horror of those lines.

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Jonathan McNamara