Music News

The Future According to Gwar

Over the past 25 years, Gwar has become the most successful extraterrestrial music act of all time, selling more than 30 million albums worldwide. Although attempts at carbon dating have been inconclusive, the members of Gwar are believed to be more than 1 million years old, making them the second-oldest active touring band in the world, right behind, you guessed it, The Rolling Stones. Gwar's 12th studio album, Bloody Pit of Horror, was released on November 9. In a phone call from the band's Antarctic fortress, Gwar frontmonster Oderus Urungus recently spoke to New Times about drug policy, immigration reform, and yak-fucking.

New Times: It's been 25 years now and your plans to conquer the world and enslave the human race aren't exactly progressing as quickly as planned. Have we humans proved to be a little hardier than you expected?

Oderus Urungus: No! That's a complete lie! Our plan is going exactly as it was supposed to go. Everybody knows one of the proudest Scumdogs traditions is the tradition of complete and consummate failure, over and over again. The reason we come up with these super, well-crafted, thought-out master plans is, quite simply, to watch them fall apart in utter ruination. It's just like Dr. Doom or any of those bad guys. They give away details of the plan on purpose, you know, so they get their asses kicked. It's kind of a — I don't know — sadomasochistic kind of thing.

NT: Do you think your immense appetite for crack has slowed down your efforts in any way?

OU: No, no. It's made things better. I mean, it's made things a lot better. I work faster, harder, and I'm high all the time — which is another big plus. No, crack has helped, definitely helped. I strongly recommend the stuff.

NT: Have you considered switching to crystal meth? A lot of people swear by that.

OU: No, that's too dangerous, man. It'll make your teeth fall out. Fuck that shit, man. Fuck them smurfs. Those smurfers need to get a grip, man. It ain't no fun masturbating with a completely limp penis for hours, days on end. Well, I guess that is kinda fun. What I say about crystal meth is basically, look, just don't make a habit out of it. [laughs]

NT: You've been honored by the Harvard Lampoon. You've been nominated for a couple of Grammy awards. Do you think it's weird that humans continue to heap these praises on you when your whole goal is just to destroy us?

OU: Well, yeah, but they do take precautions. I'm not supposed to say anything about the Harvard Lampoon society, but I will. The ceremony was conducted in an underground bunker. We never actually met the people who gave us the award. It came through the wall, so they're getting smart. They stay a few miles away from us. Chances are, they're not going to die. Let me tell you, the mantelpiece down here in Antarctica is positively groaning with the weight of all the awards that are heaped upon it, but also with the weight of this yak that I'm fucking on the mantel.

NT: We have a new immigration law here in Arizona that opponents say encourages racial profiling and fosters ill will towards Hispanics. Do you find it humorous when humans discriminate against one another? Weren't we all created equally worthless?

OU: Well, I mean, I just think it's pretty funny when you see all these Americans — white Americans — complaining about all these Mexicans. You know, if they really had a problem with it, don't let 'em paint your house! Americans could learn a thing or two from Mexicans. First of all, they could learn how to make a really good salsa. Second of all, they could learn how to work hard. Second of all, they could immigrate illegally to Mexico and hang out in a resort community. I mean, I don't understand why Mexicans come to America anyway. Isn't it like one big, all-inclusive, tropical vacation down there? Sure, some people are getting their heads sawed off, but that happens all over the place.

NT: When you take over the world, what immigration policies do you plan to enact to ensure that hard-working American slaves don't lose their indentured servitude to illegal immigrants?

OU: No policy, no news, no laws, no nothing. Just go for it, basically. No borders, no boundaries. Share the wealth. Every man for himself. All that. Probably a descent into cannibalistic feudalism.

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Mike R. Meyer