Music News

Those Damned Devil Bands

Hello, Dan Quayle here. As the 44th Vice President of the United States of America, I all but coined the phrase "family values" back in 1992, when I famously criticized Murphy Brown for having a child out of wedlock. Sure, it was a fictional character, and yes, I was roundly mocked for my comments, but that vile, depraved harlot represented American popular culture's swift decline into the moral toilet, and I'm proud of the stand I took. But in the 14 years since that speech, things have only gotten worse — heck, I can't even order the Spice Channel without being subjected to filthy language and all sorts of deviant sexual behavior.

Anyway, one of my assistants alerted me to the fact that a bunch of rock 'n' roll bands have gotten together for something called the "Family Values Tour." At first, I was encouraged to learn that there are musicians these days dedicated to promoting the kind of Judeo-Christian morality I've championed my entire life. But then I took a closer look at the artists on this tour, and for the most part, I was absolutely appalled. So in the interest of public service, I've graded the tour's featured acts based on their adherence to traditional family values.

Korn: One of the most unspeakably wretched groups I've ever come across. The amount of obscenity and violent imagery in their songs is almost too large to comprehend. For example, in the song "Daddy," the singer, Jonathan Davis, directs these lines at his own mother: "Motherfucker/Fuck!/Fucking bitch/I fucking hate you!" Additionally, he is married to a porn star and is the proud owner of the Volkswagen Bug serial killer Ted Bundy once drove. F-minus.

Deftones: Put a half-naked girl on one of their album covers and titled it Around the Fur — a blatant vagina reference. Also, the singer is an avowed fan of homosexual icon Morrissey. D.

Stone Sour: Although I enjoyed their ballad "Bother," which was in the first Spider-Man movie, I discovered the lead singer is also in the despicable group Slipknot, which has written such hateful, sociopathic songs as "People = Shit" and "New Abortion," and even insults their own fans by calling them "maggots." D-minus.

Flyleaf: A shining light in a sea of slime, Flyleaf is an unapologetic Christian band with a positive, uplifting message for today's youth. Flyleaf is a tremendous advocate of family values, despite the fact that they have a female singer who should be practicing her cooking and cleaning skills in preparation for life as a stay-at-home mom, instead of leading a band. A-minus.

Deadsy: Although there is nothing particularly objectionable in their lyrics, Deadsy's stage attire and symbolism have a gothic, and possibly also Satanic, feel to them. Additionally, front man Elijah Blue is the son of promiscuous, often scantily clad liberal singer Cher, who is also a homosexual icon. C-minus.

As you can see, you're better off taking the money you would spend on a "Family Values Tour" ticket and donating it to me, so that I can continue my fight to bring real family values back to America!

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Michael Alan Goldberg