Yoko Ono will Speak at SxSW: Possible Topics for Her Talk?

Yoko Ono, the avant-garde artist known exclusively for being the weird wife of late Beatle John Lennon, has been tapped as a "featured speaker" by Austin's all-important music industry gathering South By Southwest.

The talk will evidently start as a sit-down interview with Austin DJ Jody Denberg on Friday, March 18th. Denberg will probably kiss her ass like the press release announcing the event:

"From her pioneering work in the Fluxus movement of the 1960s to the recent Imagine Peace Tower in Iceland, Ono's art has challenged and informed, melding the personal to the universal in simple and unique ways. Her marriage and creative collaboration with John Lennon was a love story played out on the global stage. Ono's music laid the groundwork for the sounds of punk rock and new wave."

Yes, as everyone knows there would never have been punk rock were it not for Yoko Fucking Ono. Riiiiight.

Obviously, we all know the main topic of Ono's talk should be "How To Break Up Your Boyfriend's Band -- Even if it's The Beatles."

But perhaps it's worth reminding everyone why Ono is a punchline. After all, Pitchfork is trying to rehabilitate her ("Avant-garde legend Yoko Ono doesn't play too many shows anymore. But when she does take the stage, it's a big deal...." and even writers employed by our sister papers seem to be interested in pretending The Widow Lennon has some value to society (part of that writer's argument, and I'm not making this up, is that Yoko should be praised for helping the band's legacy by putting out totally unessential new Beatles recordings every few years). So let's make a little list of other things she's qualified to discuss.

• "The Dream Job: How I Made a Living Laying in Bed All Day"
• "The Fluxus Movement: A Primer for Those Wondering What the Fuck it Was"
• "Getting People To Buy Art No One Likes: Marrying a Beatle Helps"
• "Milking It: How to Display Your Dead Husband's Bloody Clothes in a Museum in a Vain Attempt to Stay Relevant"
• "Spending a Dead Beatle's Money: Is There Any Way One Person Could Actually Do It?"
• "Fighting With Paul McCartney Over The Pettiest Shit Ever, Even Though My Own Artistic Output is Essentially a Joke"
• "Treating Your Stepson Like Shit: How to Keep the Boy from Having a Meaningful Relationship with his Late Father while He's Alive, Not Remind Your Husband to Keep Him in His Will and then Force the Poor Kid to Remember His Father Through Your Tinted Lens While Giving Him a Pittance of a Settlement and Doting on Your Own Talent-less Kid"
• "Accusing My Detractors of Latent Racism: They Only Dislike Me Because I'm a Strong and Talented Japanese Woman, Not Because I'm a Bitch"