10 Craziest Phoenix Crimes of the Month: May

No matter how many police reports we read through on a monthly basis, the criminal creativity, stupidity, and craziness never ceases to amaze us.

Just when you think you've seen it all, there's always something worse. From a restaurant owner murdering the co-owners in the dining room, to a woman squeezing a cop's scrotum (in a bad way), to a man's obsession with watching other men poop gone too far, and more, we bring you the 10 craziest Phoenix crimes this month:

10.) J'Shon Youyetewa, Pretending to Be Her Brother, Demands That Cops "Verify She Had a Penis"

After J'Shon Youyetewa got the cops' attention by trying to fight random people at a high school graduation ceremony, she tried to convince police that she was actually her brother, and dared the cops to prove her wrong. Youyetewa "specifically demanded officers check to verify she had a penis." She later refused to give her address, and when police asked who she lived with, she replied that she lived with "you can suck my dick." She finally gave her real name and Social Security Number, to the fifth cop who tried to get it out of her, without having to show her non-existent penis.

9.) Kenneth Melton Has Weed in Pocket, Walks Head-First Into Tree for Saddest Arrest of 2013

Kenneth Melton, a 33-year-old Phoenix resident, got arrested only because he walked head-first into a tree. Phoenix police officers watched as Melton hit his head on the tree and apparently thought it was so bad that they stopped to make sure Melton was okay. Police asked for Melton's name, and he gave them a fake one because he had a warrant for his arrest, leading to cops arresting him, and finding the weed and pipe after searching him. All because he walked head-first into a tree.

8.) Jessica Harvey Passed Out Drunk While Infant Kids Started Eating Random Pills, Cops Say

A Phoenix woman who stepped outside of her apartment to have a smoke one evening found her neighbor's infant children sitting outside and eating pills -- both prescription and over-the-counter -- from six different bottles, police said. The woman ran into the apartment next door and found the kids' mother, 36-year-old Jessica Harvey, passed out on the floor between the bathroom and the hallway. Both kids were hospitalized, and one had his stomach pumped due to a life-threatening dose of aspirin.

7.) Tony Phung, Restaurant Owner, Accused of Stabbing Co-Owners to Death in Dining Area

Believe it or not, Amy's Baking Company isn't the biggest "kitchen nightmare" in the Valley. That honor goes to Vietnamese restaurant Pho 35, where the owner allegedly stabbed two of the restaurant's co-owners to death in the dining room. Employees told police they didn't see who started the fight, but they did see brothers Brandon and Timmy Hoang stumble out of the front door of the restaurant, injured and bleeding. Tony Phung, who was arguing with the three other co-owners about the hiring and firing of the staff at the restaurant, admitted to police that he stabbed the men.

6.) Rozeanna Luna Tries to Give Away Her Baby at a Phoenix Gas Station

A Phoenix mother tried to give away her 6-month-old baby to four random people at a gas station before just giving up and calling 911 on herself, in hopes that she'd be jailed, and her child would be taken away, police say. Rozeanna Luna, 36, actually has several older children, including a 20-year-old son, with whom she regularly smokes meth, according to court documents. Police tried to lecture her about being responsible for raising her children, but she wasn't having any of it, and was arrested on a child-abuse charge.

5.) Christmas Comes Early for Phoenix Man ("Christmas" Is His Ex-Girlfriend's Name, and She Robbed Him)

Here's the kind of Christmas that nobody celebrates -- an ex-girlfriend named Christmas who shows up to your house with a friend who's pointing a gun at your head and demanding money. Indeed, police say 21-year-old Christmas Snow Pringle -- a real name, according to several court filings -- did this for a score of 160 whole dollars and lied about the whole thing no less than 10 times, including apparently faking a severe speech impediment and mental handicap, according to court documents.

4.) Thomas Mettham, Caught Recording Kid in Bathroom, Says He Just Likes to Watch Men Poo

A 26-year-old Phoenix resident told police that he was "very ashamed" that he was caught with his cellphone in an occupied stall in the bathroom of a grocery store. According to court documents, Thomas Mattham said he was trying to watch the guy in the stall defecate, but the part he was "very ashamed" about was that the guy was actually a kid, under age 18. Mattham "admitted to putting his phone between the stalls to watch the male defecate, which arouses [him] sexually," police say.

3.) Jill Pemberton Kicks Cops, Threatens "Black Boyfriend" Will Have Sex With Cop's Daughter

A Southwest Airlines employee at Sky Harbor airport called police last week to report an "irate" Scottsdale woman who was yelling and screaming after being informed that she wouldn't be flying to California that day. "Irate" was an understatement, as police say 37-year-old Jill Pemberton kicked two cops, threatened to kill them, threatened that her "black boyfriend" was going to have sex with one cop's daughter, and spit on another cop, according to court documents. "Your daughter is going to get fucked by my black boyfriend in her ass," Pemberton said. "Your wife loves it."

2.) Brett Saltus Arrested in Series of Drive-By Masturbations

A Mesa man is accused in a series of drive-by masturbations, in which police say he'd pull over his truck, open the doors, and masturbate in front of children, before speeding away. Police arrested 28-year-old Brett Saltus after detectives followed his truck, and caught him in the act, according to court documents. Twice, detectives watched him do it, before they moved in to make the arrest, and Saltus managed to back into a detective's unmarked vehicle before being boxed in.
1.) Colleen Fellin Faces Aggravated-Assault Charge for Allegedly Squeezing Phoenix Cop's Scrotum

A Phoenix woman is facing a felony charge for allegedly squeezing a cop's scrotum -- and not in an attempted-bribery kind of way. According to court documents, Colleen Fellin, 30, was standing in the middle of Indian School Road near 20th Avenue during rush hour, throwing stuff around and blocking traffic. An officer went to arrest Fellin, but as he pulled her by the wrist, Fellin grabbed the officer by the scrotum and squeezed, "causing him pain." Fellin has prior charges and convictions for resisting arrest.

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Follow Matthew Hendley on Twitter at @MatthewHendley.

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