No matter how many police reports we read through on a monthly basis, the criminal creativity, stupidity, and craziness never ceases to amaze us.
Just when you think you've seen it all, there's always something worse. From a naked meth-head's chase of imaginary people, to a man playing in traffic, to a man biting a baby, to a man branding his girlfriend's vagina, and more, we bring you the 10 craziest Phoenix-area crimes of the month:
Michael Wayne Cummins called Democratic Congressman Ron Barber's office in Sierra Vista on August 20th, court records state, spelling his name for a staff member and providing his phone number. Cummins informed the staff member that he'd like to assault Barber, a survivor of the 2011 Tucson shooting massacre that wounded Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords.
"I am not interested in killing Ron, but I am interested in bashing his teeth in and seeing him rot in hell," Cummins told the staff member. He went on with a more general threat, records state: "I am just going to start killing people indiscriminately."
If you've ever wondered what it takes to stand in the middle of a busy intersection, Phoenix resident Shawn Mathews has the alleged recipe: LSD, meth, and a sprinkle of cocaine.
According to court documents obtained by New Times, that's the mixture Mathews explained to the cops, after he fought with five police officers in the intersection of 35th and Northern avenues, where he was directing his middle fingers at cars passing by.
Phoenix resident Hector Olalde does not like being called gay.
He dislikes the accusation so much that police say Olalde, 28, pulled a gun on his girlfriend, and fired that gun all around his neighborhood after she called him gay, according to court documents obtained by New Times. Police say she called him gay for "hanging out with all male friends."
Police say a Phoenix woman claimed to be an FBI agent when she was found with thousands of dollars of extremely fake cash.
According to court documents obtained by New Times, the wannabe FBI agent kind of blew her cover when she was seen taking a piss in the parking lot outside a beauty-supply store at 2 p.m. on a weekday. Police found her fake cash in a briefcase, which was described as "very poorly made," which is an understatement -- much of it was printed in black and white.
A Phoenix man accused of stealing merchandise from a Target store told a police officer that if he touched his genital area while searching him, he'd return the favor.
Sure enough, police say 25-year-old Alexander Garcia gave the officer a solid squeeze -- which landed Garcia in jail on a felony aggravated-assault charge.
If a valid excuse exists for biting a 9-month-old kid, "he bit me first" certainly isn't it.
However, police say that's the excuse 23-year-old Chandler resident Justin Hornketh gave his girlfriend after his girlfriend's son was hospitalized with bruising, swelling to his face, and several adult bite marks on his body, according to court documents obtained by New Times.
A Phoenix meth addict locked himself inside a bathroom in the lobby of a Tempe hotel for nearly an hour in his quest to chase down two imaginary people, police say.
Jason Meyers, 33, managed to crawl into the ceiling at one point, although court documents obtained by New Times don't indicate whether that was before or after he broke a toilet and smeared his own blood all over the walls of the bathroom.
A man caught masturbating in front of a whole bunch of schoolchildren in Phoenix didn't understand what the problem was, police say.
To clarify, police say Ronald Dean told officers he didn't understand what the problem was . . . while he was smoking crack in an alley behind the school with his pants around his ankles, according to court documents obtained by New Times.
A Chandler man drugged his girlfriend and branded his initials into her vagina while she was passed out, police say.
Christopher Lynn Jackson, the owner of a landscaping business called Lawn Tamers, "bragged" to his now-ex-girlfriend about doing the same thing to other girlfriends in the past, according to court documents. An examination showed that the letters "C" and "J" were still "clearly" branded to her vagina, according to court documents.
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How does it get crazier than a man branding his initials into his girlfriend's vagina? When cops find a video of that man having sex with his dog.
The Maricopa County Sheriff's Office says detectives served a warrant on Christopher Lynn Jackson's house, and recovered videos that "clearly show" Jackson and two women "performing various sex acts with a male German Shepherd." Authorities arrested one women, and couldn't identify the other.