2012 Republican National Convention Kicks Off in Tampa Next Week

See also: How to Speak Republican

First, Republicans were enamored with George W. clone Texas Governor Rick Perry. Then they thought pizza guy Herman Cain was their man. Eventually, the roving finger pointed at Rick Santorum, and even Newt Gingrich (forget about Bachmann). But ultimately, boring Mormon Mitt Romney's turtle-like tenacity paid off.

And next week during the Republican National Convention in Tampa, which kicks off on August 27, Republicans will feign orgiastic fervor in officially nominating Romney and running-mate Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan for the Republican presidential ticket.

"While the mainstream media sucks down speeches by Romney and his new budget boy toy, Paul Ryan, New Times is honoring [Hunter S.] Thompson's legacy by doing as he would have done in Tampa: dredging up the real, sordid story behind the convention," writes Michael E. Miller in this week's cover story, "Your Gonzo Guide to the Republican National Convention."

Miller's cover story delves into the "dystopian test kitchen for Republicans' craziest ideas" that Florida has become. Read on to see why porn stars are flocking to Tampa, how the city could be a bomb waiting to explode, and how 2012 is eerily similar to the Nixon vs. McGovern race of 1972.

And stay tuned -- our colleagues in Miami will be providing further coverage of the Tampa convention, that is unless Tropical Storm Isaac puts a damper on things.

If you need a laugh ...

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