Feathered Bastard

Andrew Thomas Calls Joe Arpaio's Hispanic Tent City "Unconstitutional"

KTAR's reporting that Maricopa County Attorney Andrew Thomas called Arpaio's jail segregation of undocumented Hispanics "unconstitutional" in a press conference today. Apparently, Thomas cleared the statement with the "male" in the Arpaio-Thomas relationship, and there are no hard feelings between the two.

"I have taken the consistent position that racial and ethnic segregation is unconstitutional and I will continue to take that position," Thomas informed all the news outlets present that had been pre-approved as "SFCPC," or "Safe for Candy's Press Conferences." Those critical of the C.A. need not apply.

Now, before your head explodes from wrapping your noggin' around the incomprehensible notion that a wing-nut like Candy Thomas gives a Fig Newton about racial justice, or the Constitution, or any of that jazz, keep in mind that Thomas has consistently opposed Spanish-language DUI courts, and has sued in federal court to end the practice in Arizona.

So it's not like Candy has a soft spot for brown folk -- even though his wife is Hispanic and his kids, therefore, are half-Hispanic. Despite such niggling personal details, Candy probably digs seeing hundreds of Mexicans in chains being paraded past the media. In fact, it's quite possible that he derives sexual gratification from it.

Nah, Candy just wants to try people without them knowing what the eff is going on. Heck, it's easier that way. And if a Spanish-speakin' DUI-er doesn't know English as well as some toothless redneck nativist nitwit who never got his GED, then that's their own dang fault. See,  being born in a white-trashy trailer park in Apache Junction instead of Nogales, Sonora means God loves you more. Everyone knows that.
KEEP PHOENIX NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Phoenix New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Phoenix, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Stephen is a former staff writer and columnist at Phoenix New Times.
Contact: Stephen Lemons