Feathered Bastard

Andrew Thomas: Top 10 Options for All That Free Time on His Hands

Today is a red letter day in former County Attorney Andrew Thomas' life. From here on out, barring a bolt of lightning, he'll have oodles of free time to pursue other interests. So here are some suggestions for "Candy." Feel free to add your own. I did leave out him learning judo to protect himself in the joint should he be indicted and convicted by the feds. That, and trying to get his soul back from Satan. But those are no-brainers.

10) Grow back that mustache and start introducing himself as "Brock Landers."

9) Find out if his wife's parents came here illegally, and if so, deport 'em.

8) Call Dennis Wilenchik and ask for his old job back.

7) Catch some bargain matinees with Lisa Aubuchon. (Dinner for Schmucks is still playing!)

6) Score a cool gig as Sheriff Joe's valet.


5) Audition to be Dave Foley's stand-in for the next Kids in the Hall reunion.

4) Partner with Barnett Lotstein on a Cold Stone Creamery franchise. (Doug Ducey can get them in dead cheap.)

3) Break out the bon-bons and the Old Milwaukee and see what Elisabeth Hasselbeck's up to on The View.

2) Keep those virtual chickens fed on FarmVille.

And the number one option for all of Andrew Thomas' newly-found free time:

1) Cruise Scottsdale clubs with the opening line, "You know, I used to prosecute judges for a living..."

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Stephen is a former staff writer and columnist at Phoenix New Times.
Contact: Stephen Lemons