Bruce Arians
Bruce Arians

Arizona Cardinals Pick Bruce Arians to Walk on Water, Coach the Team to Victory

Indianapolis Colts offensive coordinator Bruce Arians has been hired as the man to lead the Arizona Cardinals to victory, which ranks somewhere between walking on water and healing a blind man, as far as miracles are concerned.

Arians got his first head-coaching experience this year, when Colts head coach Chuck Pagano was out for 12 weeks while being treated for leukemia, and Arians coached the team -- with a rookie quarterback -- to a 9-3 record.

The Cardinals' previous coach, Ken Whisenhunt, was fired after the end of this season, in which the Cardinals sucked the big one, and ended with a 5-11 record.

Whisenhunt did coach the Cardinals to the Super Bowl once upon a time, but he was canned after three consecutive seasons of mediocre-to-crappy football.

Defensive coordinator Ray Horton was in the mix to take over the job, and he didn't take too kindly to being passed over for the gig. Word is, Horton's out, and Philadelphia defensive coordinator Todd Bowles is supposedly in.

It's been noted that the Cardinals were the last team that needed a head coach to hire one after this season, and ESPN says Arians was the sixth candidate interviewed by the Cardinals.

A very similar situation played out last year as ASU was searching for a new coach, before grabbing Todd Graham, and that turned out better than expected -- so that may not be cause for concern.

Still, Arians is coaching the Cardinals, a perennial display of mediocrity, so he'd have to royally screw up to get the Valley pissed at him.


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