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Arizona Cardinals Suck More Than Ever, Lose 58-0 to Seattle Seahawks

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The Arizona Cardinals completely, totally, and definitely suck.

After losing eight games in a row, the Cardinals just keep getting worse. The team lost by 58 points -- 58 to nothing -- to the Seattle Seahawks at CenturyLink Field in Seattle yesterday.

See also:
-Arizona Cardinals Stink Like Old Socks, Lose to Mark Sanchez-Less, Tim Tebow-Less Jets
-Arizona Cardinals Lit Up by St. Louis Rams; Ryan Lindley Does Not Perform Miracles
-Arizona Cardinals Lose to Atlanta Falcons; Ryan Lindley's Throwing Footballs
-Arizona Cardinals: Decent at Best; Green Bay Packers Win 31-17
-Arizona Cardinals Smoked by San Francisco 49ers on Monday Night Football
-Arizona Cardinals Lose Another One -- Minnesota Vikings Win, 21-14
-Arizona Cardinals Lose to Buffalo Bills; Kevin Kolb Gets Injured
-Arizona Cardinals Play Like a Hot Pile of Garbage, Lose to St. Louis Rams

With those guys who throw around fish at the Pike Place Fish Market in Seattle apparently unavailable at quarterback for the Cardinals, Arizona still used John Skelton and Ryan Lindley, who still sucked.

Here's how the Cardinals' drives went, from start to finish:

  • Skelton interception
  • Punt
  • Punt
  • Skelton fumble
  • Skelton interception for touchdown
  • Skelton fumble, recovered by Cardinals, shortly before a punt
  • Punt
  • Punt
  • Skelton interception
  • Ryan Lindley's in! And he fumbled
  • Punt
  • Punt
  • Turnover on downs
  • The Cardinals suck

Somewhere between all that sucking mentioned above, Patrick Peterson also muffed a punt, which, of course, the Seahawks returned for a touchdown. Peterson also fumbled on a different punt return.

The Seahawks -- a team that definitely is not the greatest team in NFL history -- did not suck.

The Seahawks had two hundred-yard rushers, including Skittles addict Marshawn Lynch, who had three rushing touchdowns.

The Cardinals' William Powell and Beanie Wells, on the other hand, sucked -- 20 yards rushing, and 18 yards rushing, respectively.

Here's a list of more things about the game yesterday that totally sucked:

  • Larry Fitzgerald was targeted (the ball was thrown in his general direction) 11 times. He caught one pass.
  • That pass was for two yards.
  • John Skelton completed 50 percent of his passes.
  • Lindley completed 47 percent.
  • Lindley averaged 3.5 yards per completion.
  • Skelton averaged 3.4 yards.
  • The Cardinals were down 38 points at halftime.
  • Down 51 points in the fourth quarter, Ken Whisenhunt decided to punt from Seattle's 39 yard-line.
  • Former Cardinals third-string quarterback Richard Bartel is literally offering to pay the Cardinals for the chance to play quarterback.
  • It appears just two teams in the Super Bowl era have been embarrassed more than the Cardinals: the '76 Falcons and the '09 Titans each did one point shittier than the Cardinals.

If you'd like to explain this game to someone in less than 30 seconds, please forward along the following video clip:

The Cardinals have now lost nine games in a row. Get well soon, Kevin Kolb.

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