Arizona Capitol

Arizona's Senate-Approved Birther Bill Could Force Presidential Candidates to Provide Documentation Describing What Their Penis Looks Like to Get on Ballot

They don't call Arizona the "meth lab of Democracy" for nothing -- where else could a lack of foreskin prove citizenship?

The Arizona Senate formally passed the "Birther Bill" today, but not in its original version.

Apparently, requiring presidential candidates to provide a long-form birth certificate before allowing their names on the ballot in Arizona -- despite it already being a federal requirement to run for president -- was a bit too much for a few GOP lawmakers. So they made some amendments: if you can't find your birth certificate, and you have a penis, a document describing your lack of foreskin will suffice.

A circumcision certificate -- a document given to the parents of a male Jewish child after his foreskin is snipped off during a circumcision ceremony --  is not a legal document (see an example of one here) but if you have one, under the amended bill, it's apparently enough to prove you're a U.S. citizen and your name can be permitted on the ballot in Arizona.

Pulling out your penis in front of election officials, however, will not prove citizenship -- and, in the worst case scenario, could get you labeled a sex offender.

Some other ways to prove that you're not a Kenyan version of the Manchurian Candidate, as spelled out in the ridiculous bill, could be to provide a hospital birth record, a postpartum medical record, or an early census record.

See the amended version of the bill here.

While the bill, even in its original form, is comical/tragic in itself (Arizona legislators spent their time and your tax money coming up with a potential law that already exists at the federal level. Not to mention, it's in response to a repeatedly debunked conspiracy theory), the most comical aspect of the amended bill is that it seems to have been designed to make the legislation look less nuts -- many GOP lawmakers wouldn't sign on unless the far-right-wingers would lighten up about what types of documents would satisfy proof of citizenship requirements.

What they ended up with is a bill that requires a presidential candidate -- if all else fails -- to basically provide documentation describing what his penis looks like in order to get on the ballot in Arizona.     

Again: "meth lab of Democracy."

The bill now heads to the Arizona House of Representatives, where it has passed in the past, and likely will again.

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James King
Contact: James King