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BEDTIME FOR BONZO V

Yet Another Compelling True-Life
Sci-Fi Docu-Drama in One Act

The curtain rises.
The time: 9 p.m. The place: the spectacularly messy bedroom of a five-year-old boy who is being tucked into bed.

BOY: Dad, I'm gonna tell you a bedtime story tonight. Okay?
MAN: Ooooh, good! What's the name of the story?
BOY: I can't remember. I'll just make up a name for it. "The Little Old Woman and the Little Old Man and the Little Old Sister and the Little Old Squirrel and the Little Old Brother."

MAN: Is this a sequel to Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice?
BOY: What?
MAN: Never mind. Go ahead. Let's hear your story.

BOY: Once upon a time in a very, very long time ago lived a little old man, a little old woman, a little old boy, a little old girl and a little old squirrel. One day, the mother wanted some rolls for breakfast, so she sent the little old boy to the store and he said, "Mr. Storekeeper, can I have some rolls, please?" And he said, "Sure!"

Then, when the little old boy got to the bridge, he saw a big bear who went "Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh. You know what? I haven't got any breakfast this morning, so I'm gonna eat you!" And he ate the little old boy and his big bag of rolls.

The little old mother was stamping on her foot and said, "Little old girl, can you go out and see what happened to your brother?" So she went and said to Mr. Storekeeper, "Did my brother been here?" And he said, "Yes. He must be home by now."

So she went to the bridge and she saw the old bear. The bear did, "Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh. You know what? I ate the little old boy and a big bag of rolls and I'm still hungry! So I'm gonna eat you!" And he did, too.

The little old mother was stamping on her foot and said to the little old man, "Sweeetieee Pieeee! Will you go see what happened to our fambly?" And he said, "Sure, dear." Then he went and said, "Mr. Storekeeper, did you see our fambly here?" And he said, "Yes, they must be home."

The little old man got to the river where the bridge was and the bear was there. He said, "Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh. You know what? I ate a little old boy, a little old girl and a big bag of rolls. I'll eat you, too!"

So he ate him and the little old mother was stamping her foot. Then she went by herself and said, "Mr. Storekeeper, did you see our fambly?" And he said, "Yes, they must be at your home." She went to the river and do you know what the bear said?

MAN: Lemme guess. "Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh"?
BOY: Nope. He said, "BuuuuuRRrrPPP! Pardon me! You know what? I ate a little old boy, a little old girl, a little old man and a big bag of rolls. I'll eat you, too!"

So the little old squirrel was the only one left. He went to the store and jumped on the storekeeper's desk and said, "Chirppa-chirppa-chirp!" And the storekeeper said, "They were here, all right, but they should be home by now." So the little old squirrel went to the bridge and the bear said, "Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh. You know what? I've eaten everything, and I don't feel very good. But I think I have room for dessert, so I'm gonna eat you, too!"

Then he ate the squirrel . . . and his eyes got squared and he blew up like a missile and a bomb! And then, sitting on the bridge was the little old woman, the little old man, the little old boy, the little old girl, the little old squirrel and the big bag of rolls. They had a big dinner party and lived happily ever after!

MAN: That's a very good story!
BOY: Do you know the part when they had the big dinner party? I made that up myself.

MAN: And a superb embellishment it was. Now, does that story have a moral?
BOY: What's a moral?
MAN: A lesson. Do we learn anything from that story?

BOY: Well, yeah. Weren't you listening? If your mom sends you to the store, take a gun.

Blackout. Curtain. They had a big dinner party and lived happily ever after.

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Michael Burkett