4

Blackadder, PHX-style

Richard III, the vile monarch...
^
Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Phoenix and help keep the future of New Times free.

The real deal, though I prefer McKellen's fascistic version...

Received a delightful snot-gram today, which always warms the nest of snakes in my heart. It's from this guy who calls himself Emil Pulsifer. I have many such missives stowed away to read when I require a chuckle. Take a peek:

Dear Mr. Lemons,

Far be it from me that I should interfere with the development of a writer's "voice", but I feel impelled to point out that, since you have taken The Bird under your wing, your attempts to adopt a folksy writing style have taken the column insidiously toward the idiom of Slim Pickens' character in Blazing Saddles. At some point, even the dolts who regard Phoenix New Times as a news organ are likely to get a whiff of Eau de Travestie, at which point you will face the ignominious prospect of a hurried escape via the freight rails; and though you may regard local accounts of your hanging in effigy with a certain wry amusement, this is unlikely to be satisfactory compensation.

I should also point out that even Taggart demonstrated rudimentary chivalry toward women. Thus, instead of writing that the State Governor "looks kind of dikey" you might instead have tried gentle persuasion: "Miss Janet, you shore would look purty in a dress." If this offends your unwavering standards of truth in journalism, bear in mind the fact that, after a month or two in the company of cowpokes driving cattle on the range, virtually anything would look pretty in a dress. (There's a story there somewhere -- perhaps another scrutiny of the Goldwater archives will turn up some tidbit for your carrion besmeared beak.)

Regards,

E. Pulsifer

Love the "carrion besmeared beak" line. Written like a true fan! What folks 'round these parts sometimes fail to grasp is that I'm quite comfortable being loathed. Indeed, such sentiments let me know you, my audience, really do care about me, even if it's only to fantasize about applying ye ole hot lead colonic to my person. So let the vitriol roll down like a mighty torrent! And remember, one of my personal heroes is Richard III, at least the fictional version as portrayed by Sir Ian McKellen on stage and in film. Like Gloucester himself said in the Bard's play: "I am determined to prove a villain, And hate the idle pleasures of these days..." Hey, so now you know.

PS: Or think of me as Rowan Atkinson's Blackadder,

Black Adder, Black Adder, he rides a pitch black steed. Black Adder, Black Adder, he's very bad indeed.

Keep Phoenix New Times Free... Since we started Phoenix New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Phoenix, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Phoenix with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.

 

Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Phoenix.

 

Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Phoenix.