CBS 5 Found Bigfoot Again

CBS 5 is once again showing purported video of Bigfoot, which is remarkable, considering Bigfoot doesn’t exist.

Looks like the local TV news crew that claims to be “telling it like it is” got abducted by aliens again.

Here’s the thing — there’s one rule to showing purported Bigfoot evidence. You either bring in Bigfoot himself on a leash, or go f*** yourself.

That’s it. One rule. You don’t have him on a leash, then keep hunting until you have something to bring back on a leash. We’ll all buy you a beer and give you a pat on the back for bringing in Bigfoot on a leash. Then you can be on the local news.

However, if you’re a seasoned CBS 5 viewer, you already knew Bigfoot existed, since the news crew reported earlier this year that the big ape’s toenail was found right here in Arizona.

Of course, CBS 5 viewers are also led to believe that chupacabras — little (imaginary) monsters that suck blood from goats by the pint — have been roaming the Valley for years now.

Also, aliens sometimes drive their spacecraft over Phoenix.

Now, if CBS 5 would just do some real public-service journalism and tell me how to expel the bogeyman from under my bed, I’d appreciate it.

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Follow Matthew Hendley on Twitter at @MatthewHendley.